Give Thanks

I'M THANKFUL FOR...

1. Healing & Restoration only possible through Christ.

It started out with counseling and Cleaning Stream and it was really unexpected the transformation that happened. I developed a genuine, real deep relationship with Jesus Christ. One that isn't just take, but give and take. One that isn't just me throwing prayers at him, but actually praying for people and giving them up to God. It started out with sorting through self-hatred and ended with dealing with fear, insecurity, anger, loneliness and criticism.

2. Surrendering everything to Jesus. 
After being completely broken by Christ, I still tried and insisted on living life independently from God. Then he really wrecked my life, forcing me to spend another year at home while my closest friends moved on and moved out (of CA and the US). Jesus wrecked my life. It's a phrase coined by Shane Claiborne, but I believe it to be true for my life. I needed to get to a place where I surrendered EVERY part of myself, my heart and even my relationships to Jesus. Surrender my past, my present and my future. Surrender. Submit. Let God take the wheel. Stop trying to dictate or control or influence the plan that I believed I needed to be on.

3. Giving God complete control--And trusting him with all my heart. 
At one point I came to the realization that by not receiving the love and trusting my friends, then I'm not receiving God's love and trusting him completely. I'm still, by default, trying to do things all on my own. I had to repent for my pride and my need to control and my stubbornness and my lack of trust in him and just trust him. And trust him with everything--life plans, family safety and well being, friends and most importantly my heart (that he will protect it, grow it, heal it, and so on). In order to receive God's love and fully believe in the goodness of God, I need to be able to receive the people he's put into my life and receive the love that they give me.

4. Saying goodbye to perfectionism & needing to meet people's expectations.
By now, if you're reading this, I would assume you're a pretty loyal follower (hopefully). So I will painfully admit that in the last three months I've had six breakdowns. That's six more than I had in the first 23 years of my life. But it feels wonderful after I've realized the emotion. And I've finally realized that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be the perfect friend. I don't have to be the perfect worker. I don't have to be the perfect daughters. My relationships won't be perfect. My friendships won't be perfect. I won't be perfect. The only perfect person is Jesus. I've given up trying to be perfect and trying to meet everyone's expectations and listening to them. I've just got to be me, be who I believe Jesus has created me to be and follow my God-given destiny.

5. A life of freedom--free of fear, insecurity, depression, darkness, low self-worth and low self-confidence
I want to say that it wasn't a cure-all, but I actually, in retrospect, think it was. In Cleansing Stream, we dove through our issues, prayed healing prayers over them, repented for the ways we let them get out of control. Later, I went through all the issues and circumstances and struggles I had in my life and sorted through my emotions and my hurts and my fears throughout them. A few of you know I've struggled with depression for quite a while. I've struggled with fear. With insecurity. With darkness. With low self-confidence. Low self-worth. And those things aren't something I struggle with anymore. I'm confident in my work. I'm confident of walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation with them. I'm confident and fearless and a dreamer finally. I know what I must do to live my life. And it's being confident, not prideful. Confident. Secure. Fearless. In Jesus. First and foremost in Jesus and then everything else falls into place. Confident. Secure. Fearless. In the love Jesus has for me and in the goodness that God is. I can confidently live a life without fear because I'm secure in Jesus. 

6. Heart & head alignment. 
Even though these last few months have been incredibly hard, I know they served a purpose. I finally got a chance to align my head and my heart. I've been non-stop overachieving since summer 2007 when I interned at ESPN. Since then, I've known that the industry wasn't my dream or my job, but I still was semi-pursuing it because I thought that's what I wanted and what my parents wanted for me. For the last couple of months, I've gotten to do what I have yet to really do while living in LA: enjoy life. I've painted. I've worked out. I've enjoyed myself. And I've been able to figure myself out and figure out what I love doing and how that plays into what I want to do with my life. I love to design things. I love to create things for social impact, but at the same time I love to travel and I detest DETEST desk jobs. And I never want to work in the industry and have to deal with the drama and the crap and everything, I just want to make a difference. I want to create something that changes the world. I don't have the completely solution yet, but I'm one step closer.

7. I have wonderful, amazing friends. 
Self-explanatory. But I'm incredibly blessed. God is good.

8. Freelance. God is good. 

There was a time where I had no work, no drive, no purpose, no motivation this year. Karen looked at me and told me I needed to pursue something and stop slumming around. But I had absolutely no goal in mind and on top of that no God to direct me. I was angry at him. I was burnt out and angry and frustrated and absolutely mad at him--but didn't realize it cause it was all pent up and hidden inside of me. But then I figured it out. Then I realized I needed to live life with God, not independently from him, but actually truly just trust him with ALL of my life. And the jobs poured in. The photography and the design and the websites. And then grad school applications. God is good. He always protects, always provides, always pursues.

9. Lucky to be living at home. 

It gets tough, no doubt. But I'm blessed to just be able to live at home. Plus, I have no job and have no money to pay rent--that definitely helps.

10. The Dodgers made the playoffs again.

Things I learned after Thanksgiving

1. I need to move away.
2. I need to move away.
3. I need to move away.
4. I need to move away.
5. I need to move away.
6. I need to move away.
7. I need to move away.
8. I need to move away.
9. I need to move away.
10. I need to move away.

Happy by Leona Lewis

This is precisely how I feel and what I think about my life right now :)

Please see the Blind side

The Blind side is an incredible tale of Michael Olher and what he overcame to make it to the NFL and how the love and support of an adopted family helped him get there. It's probably the best Christmas movie of the year. You must go see it, especially if you love football!

But it's not really a sports movie as much as it an inspirational tale of what happens when you love someone and when you receive love and support from the people around you. It will change your life. It's always changed mine.

I'm a people pleaser

I'm a people pleaser. I hate hurting people's feelings. I always do what's best for the other person. I prefer to make life easier for everyone. I don't like when people get upset, when they're mad at me. I care a little too much about what other people think. I try to be perfect. I try to not upset the balance or the equilibrium. I am the quintessential Asian. I don't like conflict or messes or fights and I prefer that I myself suffer over someone else.

So my brain is being wrecked at this moment. I don't doubt that I made the right decision for myself. But it seems strange, almost abnormal and estranged, that the decision seems to be the best one for myself. It's taken a lot of growth to get to this point. Often times I have killed myself slaving over things for other people--whether it's a little thing or a big thing--people come first. Giving comes before receiving. Others before myself. Selflessness versus selfishness. Humility over pride. Satisfaction over happiness. I could go on...

I don't doubt that I didn't, without prayer and wisdom, make the right decision. I'm just having a hard time with it because I'm such a people pleaser. Which only goes to show more that I made the right decision. I am having a hard time because I couldn't be perfect. I couldn't be the perfect you-fill-in-the-blank. And on top of that, this drastically affects the way that people view me, the way they talk about me, the way they will refer to me in the future.

I am an obnoxious, obsessive compulsive people pleaser. It's terrible and tragic. And not only am I people pleaser, but I like to be liked. I like to be entertained. I like to have something to do on a Friday night. I like to be busy. I like to be surrounded by people as much as possible.

Tragic flaw?

Quite possibly. If the last couple weeks have taught me anything, it might just be that I'm human. I'm prideful and conceited, I'm insecure and afraid, and I'm seriously self-involved. I like winning others over way too much and care too little until I'm in deep shit. I might even go so far as to say I don't love as many people as I should--Or I have an extremely hard time with grace and love and mercy once people start to drive me insanely crazy.

That might also constitute as a tragic flaw. I know I had to do what I did (and wouldn't you like to know what that was). I know that. God's confirmed it. But I still feel so bad about it. I feel like a let down, an imperfect let down and that's not really the greatest feeling in the world.

But I suppose it's time I felt that feeling, once and for all.

sometimes the hardest thing & the right thing are the same

I've come to the conclusion, or at least I hope I have come to the right conclusion, that sometimes the right thing to do isn't always the easiest.

Today I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do--I said, "No."

If you know me, if you really truly know me, you know how incredibly hard it was for me to do. Even if I knew, even if I believed it was the right thing to do, five seconds before I did it, I was freaking out inside. My heart was pounding outside my chest. My knees were shaking. My blood racing.

I've never said "No" to anyone or anything thing really.

But I've had to learn boundaries recently. Emotional boundaries and actual, literal boundaries. Mental boundaries. In the last few weeks, my entire life has surrounded my inability to see my own boundaries and to use them correctly--whether it be emotionally, mentally and/or physically.

Today, I paid the price for that. So did a few other people. It was hard. Incredibly, excruciatingly hard but I realized, a few weeks ago, in order to fully obey God and continue on the path and plan that he has for me, I had to say no. Sometimes saying no isn't always saying yes to everything we think we're suppose to say yes to. Sometimes you have to put boundaries. Sometimes you have to be able to look at your life and see your own limitations. Sometimes you have to put other people, important people in your life, completely and utterly in the hands of God.

I can't be the perfect friend. I can't be the perfect worker. I can't be the perfect daughter. And I just have to trust God that he will not only be there for those important people when I can't, but that his goodness, his grace and his mercy surround them at all times.

God is so powerful. So good. So amazing. I can't testify that enough. The more that I continue to act like god in my own life, the more that I struggle. And the more that I continue to act like god in other peoples' lives, the more that they will struggle. I can't be everything. I can't really be anything. Only God can.

So today I had to say "No" because I know that the path that "yes" leads to is one I cannot take because it's not the path that God has me on and if I continue to say yes, if I continue to kill myself for my friends like I always have. I will just end up burnt out--or worse. I give and I give and I give and I don't need anything in return, but at the same time, I end up just incredible exhausted and worn out, unable to give because there is nothing to give from.

Saying No not only made sure that I'm keeping healthy emotional and mental boundaries, but it's also truly giving God what's most important to me--my friends. I trust God with so much but at the same time with so little. I trust him with my future, but not with my present. I ask him to provide community and close kindred spirits, but I don't surrender to him the lives of my friends. I trust God with myself and with my heart but not with my friends and their hearts.

Life is shorter than we realize

I know that life is short. We are told that all the time. It's drilled into our heads. Life is short. Kiss the ones you love at night before you go to bed. Think of the ones you love first thing in the morning. Life. Is. Short.

Live like you were dying. Live like today is your last day. Live like today is your only day. You never know when someone will be gone tomorrow. You. Never. Freaking. Know.

A good friend of mine just lost her sister. Her sister died unexpectedly due to complications with an infection. Suddenly. Just like that. Life is birth. Life is lost. Life is given. Life is taken away.

You. Never. Freaking. Know.

Life is shorter than we realize. It comes quicker and ends faster than we want to believe. We take it for granted. We send off the ones we love. We leave the ones we love. We travel. We live. We function. We love. We believe. We hope. All with the thought that there will be another day--we just exist as if there will be another day. But what happens when there's not? What happens when there's some close to us in our lives who doesn't get another day?

Tragedy comes. And tragedy goes. Kiss the ones you love everyday. Hug the ones you love everyday. Tell them you love them every chance you get. Life is shorter than we realize. You. Never. Freaking. Know.

Don't Hit and Run!

This 18-inch dent was from a hit and run accident in the parking lot at Dodger Stadium at Game 1 of the NLCS series back in October. It cost $2,000 to fix and is actually on both the passenger side doors.

I was thankful to not have been driving when it happened. And thankful that my car was not worse off than it was. It's long story and God is faithful and redeeming.

I had a guardian angel looking after me in the form of a witness and his son. They saw the incident, wrote down the guys license plate and model of his car and left a note on my dashboard and someone else wrote it on my back window. He said there was at least 5 other parties who witnessed the ordeal. Crazy. God is good. Wow.

Anyway, the next night I had to go to the police station in Silver Lake to file a police report. Probably the most nerve wrecking 45-minutes of my life, especially when two police officers game in with what seemed like a warrant thinking that I had hit and run someone...or maybe I was just too too nervous sitting in the break room being questioned by a cop.

This afternoon I received a letter following up on the accident (they phoned me yesterday to let me know that the driver of the other car had been identified and came in and confessed to the collision) but this letter says that the City Attorney filed a hit and run on the party that hit me.

Wow. I didn't really think that this could be happen/would happen. Just goes to show you don't hit and run since the driver is looking at either jail time or cal trans work, depending on what he pleas after the court hearing.

Wow.

Ephesians 4:2-3, 15-16

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.


Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.


I got so much crap coming out of my ears, it's ridiculous! Pray for me! 

Just one part of my bedroom composed of to-do lists...

Crazy Eyes

Don't ignore the crazy eyes.

Ephesians 3: 16-21

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power and that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I'm a horrible friend

There is Lily and Robin from How I Met Your Mother. They are bffs. The thing about these shows, that I realized a long time ago, is the absence of true friendship. They don't always show you friendship at its worse moments. It's down and dirty moments.

Now, I realize this is like 12431038 post on friendship in the last week and a half (but there's obviously a reason for that). Anyway, what I hated about all of these TV shows portrayal of friendship was the obvious-too closeness that some of the characters had. This self-centered, needy-ness they made seem like was required for "best friends." This I-can't-let-you-go, we-must-be-together-24-7, I'm-going-to-be-mad-at-one, let-me-tell-you-exactly-how-I-feel friendship. But later on in life, I realized these weren't actually that off base. I should tell someone how exactly I feel. I should be mad at someone. However, and it's a big however, I'm still somewhat iffy about the needy-ness and the let's-be-together-all-the-time ideal.

But recently I've been realizing what a horrible friend I am. And I don't mean that in some self-deprecating, I needy your pity kind of way. It's just the honest to God truth and something I think God wants me to work on before he sends me out into the "big bad world" again. I have a ton--A TON--of wonderful and amazing, would do anything for you kind of friends. My best friend is the most selfless, giving person I have ever met. Yet I'm continually, if not subconsciously, searching and seeking out new friends so I can protect myself from the eventual, inevitable, closeness, intimacy, true friendship the other person and I might encounter. Those moments of "I'm going to be mad at you. I'm going to tell you the truth." The "O" moment of a friendship.

I'm freaked out to get to a point of real commitment. I give half my heart and then I turn around, rip it back and run away as fast as I can. It's a bad habit I wish I could blame on my family. I probably should actually, but in the end I know I'm the only one responsible for it.

I've recently gotten myself in quite a pickle. Like a bonafied, serious effing pickle. Because, guess what? Nicole Chin...whose been published, whose worked in the industry, whose done so much at 23, can't seem to be comfortable in real, true friendships. Because Nicole Chin for some crazy reason prefers shallow friendships over real ones, prefers quantity over quality, prefers to know a lot of people rather than truly know a few. Damn me. I'm a horrible friend when it comes down to it.

I can support someone when it's good and when it's bad. I can show love to someone when it's nice and when it's ugly, but when it comes down to sharing a part of myself. When it comes down to me being real with them, to actually loving someone...well that's just too hard and I'd rather jump off a cliff then explain to you the arrogant yet insecure neurosis of my commitment-phobic brain.

I'm a "you're my best friend" slut. Everyone is my best friend. Everyone, but my best friend. The irony, right? I'm a "I love you" slut (reference How I met your mother season 2) without really saying I love you. I'm a fool, a tool I'm shallow and superficial and full of a facade when it comes to friendships. I'd rather you think we're close then actually be close because well, there's no fucking way that's going to happen.

Why, you might ask? I've been let down a handful of times when I actually felt something for the other person. I think it's from being beat up and bullied too much in high school. From being excluded and outcasted for so long for being me. Somewhere along the way I learned that faking it was easier than being real. That it was more attractive to make people work at being your friend than to actually have friends. That God wasn't suppose to be in the equation, when really he is suppose to.

But I can't blame my past for how I treat people in the present. I think, in general, I just hate being close to people and being in a position where I could actually lose something. Be in a position where God has to be in control, where I have to trust God, where I'm not in control and I'm not the one holding on to everything. In a position where I have to let go and let God work. I hate risking something, having to take a chance, putting something on the line--I'd rather just be everyone's friend then be close to a few. Not have to put my future, my life, my heart in their hands--given the fact that I assume they will probably just smash it, break it to a thousand pieces.

It's easier to always be making new friends then to keep making real friends, or so I've been told. I just need to be able to point out my 5 close friends and keep them close. Not point out my 5 close friends and then try to figure out who my next 5 close friends will be. Why can't I be satisfied? Why can't I be content with the friends that I have? Why doesn't my thick head understand that friendship isn't just rainbow and butterflies, but issues and garbage and fights and tears and anger? Why don't I ever stick around long enough to really build a deep, lasting friendship? Why do I jump from one person to the next and just not be content? Why don't I let God do the leading, the directing, the building--why don't I trust him with every aspect of my life? I need to trust him with the 3 Fs: future plans, friends and family. Not just 1 and 3. Not just 2. ALL OF THEM.

God is going to protect my heart. He's going to protect my emotions. I need to stop protecting myself. Stop being so damn independent and in control and start being co-dependent on God and letting him be in control. Accepting and receiving his love for me through the people he has placed in my life and stop seeking out my own friends and my own people to "love" me the way that I think I should be loved.

Nothing is perfect. Like I said before. Friendships...relationships take work. Take effort. Take heart. Take conflict to become real. It's about time I stopped chickening out when the going gets tough. Stop looking for the easy way out. Stop not committing and jumping around and moving on from one friend to the next. Confront conflict head on and trust God that if it's a real relationship it will survive, if it doesn't survive then it wasn't worth keeping in the first place. Trust God. Let him protect me.

Not feeling good enough

I recently got hooked on Transformers so I was looking into Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf when I came across something that's really really disheartening.

These are before and after pictures of Megan Fox, international super star, mega sex symbol. And even though there are at least 5 years difference between these pictures, there are significant changes only possible by plastic surgery (see lips and nose for proof).

This is disheartening for several reasons. The first is that the media portrays these women to be the ideal beauty (Fox was voted 2009 sexiest women alive by FHM). They pound these images in young girls' heads that this is what they need to look like. They need to be this perfect looking. And on top of that, you find out that the celebrity that your daughter is idolizing and trying to look like has actually had thousands of dollars pour into plastic surgery. This isn't even how the celebrity really looks--this is how they have created themselves to look. Yet sometimes people kill themselves to look like this idea because only then will they feel beautiful and precious and wonderful and worthy of being loved.

And on top of this, it's disheartening because the celebrities have to put themselves through all this surgery to look like that. Even the prettiest people in the world have days where they don't feel pretty. Even the prettiest people in the world have aspects about their bodies that they don't like. Even the prettiest people in the world sometimes don't feel good enough, worthy of love. People are hurting on both ends, on both sides.

The world is a terrible, cold place. With expectations and pressures and stress and desires and darkness. It tells young women we need to look a certain way and if we don't, we must kill ourselves to look that way. We must not eat, we must take diet pills, we must do plastic surgery, we must do whatever we can to be the ideal beauty so that we can be loved, we can be worshipped, we can be adored.

It's sad. It's heartbreakingly, devastatingly sad. The world is not a perfect place so then why are we trying to be?

Taking care of me

I haven't really been taking care of myself for the last couple of months. I like to put others before myself. I think it's a biblical trait we all must learn. I use to be really self-involved growing up. I can't really tell you much about other people, only about myself if you ask me about high school. However, I am getting to the point where I do so much for other people that I am just burnt out and exhausted by the end of the day, week and sometime even month.

So in order to fully take care of "me," I've devised some activities that I enjoy and are strictly "me-time" and don't involve watching too much TV or too many movies: 1.) the gym. I love working out and being active 2.) reading. I am really starting to enjoy the refresh and the peace of reading.

I'm trying to teach myself about boundaries. Boundaries in saying no and in saying yes. Boundaries in what I do with my time. What I do for who. Emotional boundaries. Who I invest it. Who I spend the most time with.

When I was going to counseling I had to go through and do the onion exercise with my shrink.

See the onion. It has rings and each ring is suppose to represent a lever of closeness to you, the center. And depending on what ring a person is on, then you spend time with that person. I have such a hard time figuring out where to invest my time. I like people. A lot. I like to hang out with people. A lot. And most of the time it doesn't really matter who they. I like to use my phone. A lot. I like to text and email. A lot. I'm learning what to do and how to keep your close friends close and not expend myself over everyone.

I'm also learning a lot about Christ-centered community and about how much it is worth it.

Recent Photography

Just shot the Langston @ APU football game last night for College Fanz Sports Network. And just finished editing Karla and Daniel's engagement photos from two weekends ago. Check both out on my photography blog. Thanks!

Trying to find compassion

These are the two most beautiful, most wonderful kids in my life right now. My cousins. I love them so much--though it kind helps that they are the absolutely cutest, most adorable kids you will find. They are also huge brats sometimes. But it's really easy to forgive them and have compassion for them not just because they are my blood but because I love them. I love the joy and the passion and the love that they bring to my life and I just love little children to.

It got me to thinking though. Why is it so hard for us to have compassion for everyone? Why is it hard for us to forgive everyone and love everyone? Why is it so hard for me to find compassion right now?

I know that God is teaching me how to love like he does. How to have eyes and ears and hands and arms like his. But it's a struggle against my flesh. I asked God for a greater capacity to love. I asked God to help me love like he does, but yet I find myself struggling to...aching, fighting to.

I thought that when I asked God to help me love more that I would feel it inside of me. I would feel my heart increase. I would feel it widen and deepen and broaden, but it feels like such a stretching process to get to a place of love for others in general. like something i have to consciously think about on a daily basis.

I ask myself, if I can't love an enemy how can I love the poor? The broken? The forgotten? The outcast? 

I'm going to gush a little more

So I'm going to gush about my best friend a little more publicly now. God has blessed me with some amazing, incredibly friends! It's just hard to see it sometimes when they all live impossibly (well not really now days) but they live pretty far, you know? I woke up this morning to a beautiful, wonderful long devotional from my best friend in my email inbox.

And it made me cry, I probably would have sobbed if I was at a coffee shop...the thing about our friendship has never really been what we have in common (though we have a lot) and it's never really been about the activities that we're doing (even though most of the time in college they were together), we just support each other. We've been through hell together in the last four years--anyone who knows us knows that. And we just clicked instantly, miraculously--it was all God and it's always been God.

I can't begin to tell you how amazing God-driven friendships are. Or how much I've fought it for so long. I use to think that God was this separate compartment in my life, necessary for when things got tough (and they were tough a lot; it makes sense why now) and I use to think that maybe he didn't really care about the people he put around me and he didn't really care about my life. But I've really in the last two years begun to see his power and his goodness and his strength and his love for me.

I previously mentioned that I've had a lot of friends. I get bored easily. I don't like commitment. I'm afraid of closeness. Those were all excuses I had for bailing when things got tough or when the other person bailed cause they were sick of me. But with her, I had to teach myself to stay put, to just be, to stick it through and it is by far was the best things I've ever done with my life (And I've done a lot of stuff with my life so believe me on that one!).

But I haven't really felt like we were best friends until this year, which is weird because we lived 3,000 miles away from each, saw each other 3 times, and probably talked on the phone once a week, if not once every two weeks. One could argue that distances makes the heart grow fonder and maybe it's true, but more so I think that God is just working in us so much that now we can really, truly be best friends. There's this bond between our hearts AND our souls that I know is only possible between two truly God-fearing Christ followers.

I can't tell you how sweet it is, how wonderful it is. It's not perfect, by far. We still fight a lot because Satan does exist and he will try to come between us. There's still insecurity and doubt because of the enemy. There's still fear and trust issues because the devil doesn't want God-driven relationships. But the truth of the matter comes down to it--there's no fear in perfect love, God's perfect love for us and our perfect love for him.

My best friend is amazing

My best friend is amazing (though clearly not pictured here.) This is probably the most contradictory set of best friends possible: Blair and Serena of Gossip Girl. Regardless though, mine is pretty amazing. All of mine are, actually. I'm beginning to realize you have to be fairly selective with who you chose to give this honor. 

I wasn't very good at it for a long time. I was lonely for a long long time because of many, many issues from my family and being home schooled and bad experiences with basketball teams. Many things happened to me that gave me this low self-esteem and low self-worth and brought on a perpetual feeling of not feeling good enough. So I kinda gave the title out without thinking and still do at times. I would just kind of throw it out there if we hung out a lot or if we just happened to have a few deep conversations. But I'm learning that's not what makes a good friend.

I have three really amazing, really awesome best friends. They don't just support me or hang out with me, but they fight with me and for me, they guide me and they let me guide them, they lead me but walk beside me when necessary, they pray for me and with me whenever I need it. It's been a pretty rough road to get here, to say the least. I've had every sort of teammate, roommate, friend possible--I've had the good, the bad and the ugly. But that's part of life. Life is figuring out who your friends are and who will be along for the journey.

And my bestest best friend, knows me better than I know myself; in a way I can't really describe. I use to think that was just a cliche or an ideal that you hoped for, but now I realize it comes with true friendship, true intimacy, true vulnerability. There's so much about friendship that I didn't really understand until today: the beauty and the wonderfulness of God-given, God-driven relationships with two active faith followers. And the truth that comes in true friendship, harsh truth, loving truth--it's a beautiful and rare honesty that comes in true TRUE friendship.

I've been dealing with some stressful, heavy stuff lately and my best friend is currently working in Africa for God knows how long. But thankfully technology has made it almost a seamless transition (minus the 8 hour time difference, thank you day light savings). But today when I was talking to her on the phone, it just became so evident and clear what a best friend is--someone who doesn't just agree with you and doesn't just argue with you because they can. They don't assume they know you. They don't insist they know you. They know you because they love you, they value you, they care for you, they pray for you. And so they correct you, sympathize with you, guide you, love you in a way that's clearly from God and clearly God-given. And it blows my mind. God blows my mind. True friendship blows my mind. 

So I'm learning about boundaries in relationships. Not to always give. Not to always take on. Not to hang out with whoever wants to hang out. You have to have boundaries. You have to be able to say no. You have to be able to say you draw the line at some place, that not everyone can be your best friend and you can't give every part of yourself to everyone.

And I'm learning to be content. I'm learning to see the amazing-ness in the friends that I have and to understand that near or far, wherever they are, they are in my heart. Once-in-a-lifetime-friends only come once in a lifetime after all. And to invest in the friends I have close to me already: better to have 10 minutes with one close friend then one day with 10 friends.

And it doesn't mean that I don't immerse myself in the community around me because that is God-given too. It just means I ration out my time, my love, my care, my self to the people around me, remembering the close friends I have and the close friends I'm making...but making sure not everyone is a close friend. It's okay to have friends and acquaintances--you just don't have to invest evenly in everyone. And I'm sure not giving out that title for a long time, if ever again. That's for sure.

Neo

I feel like Neo in the Matrix. Either when all the bullets are coming at him or when he has all the tubes in him. I can't really decide.

Which then reminds me of Mr. Zambrano's Friday test analogy of the duck. I feel like the duck: calm on the surface, kicking swiftly to stay afloat underneath.

The Center by Matthew West

Download this song! It's a must!

Here's a lyrically snippet:

God forbid I start to think I'm on a roll now
‘Cause I do believe there is a battle for my soul now
And I can feel the world fighting for control now
I must be onto somethin'
So help me hold on just a little bit longer
‘Cause all this struggle's gonna do is make me
stronger
This is the everyday prayer of my heart
I just wanna stay where You are

I wanna know how it feels to be

Standing in the center of Your will for me

I wanna know what surrender means

Keep me in the center of Your will for me

Lord, help me hold on
Help me be strong
I don't wanna move unless You move me

I love being artsy. Bring on the flannel!

I could do this forever. Design too. Just not format 60 pages of basketball stats...

 Here's just some fun with photoshop, lightroom and JR.

Look, your worship!

"Garbage chute. Really wonderful idea. What an incredible smell you've discovered! Let's get out of here! Get away from there.."

Well said, my friend Han Solo.

If one more person puts pressure or expectations on me, I swear I will not just snap, but I'll probably run away to Africa or some place far and crazy and away from everyone. I'm going crazy...

Hawaii, maybe, Carrie? ;) (And I was just in Boston last week, crazy how fast things get crazy and duty calls.)

God, please help me. I'm not sure I can live like this anymore...

NOW VERY VERY TIRED OF WORKING...

Hmmm...there's nothing like some good ol' fashion hard work to remind you of how not hard working you've been.

At least now my butt is back in business!

Here's a photo from the shoot yesterday.

Now, back to work...I just keep thinking what Karen tells me: work hard now so you can play more later.

Snippet from Relevant Mag: "Waiting on God."

It's easy to forget in the midst of struggle, but God is a heavenly father who wants the best for His kids. We need to more intentionally embrace difficult times and loss, because they can get our attention. God can use those challenges to refine us, strengthen us and help us grow.

God puts dreams in our hearts, so it's human nature to get frustrated when things don't happen according to plan. But remember we only see in part. We don't know the whole story yet, and in the midst of hard seasons, we need to be mindful of the bigger picture of what God might be doing in us. Thankfully, Romans 8:28 doesn't have conditions: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Feisty Play

BYU get manhandled by Elizabeth Lambert. She displayed horrible sportsmanship and even pulled a girl down by her pony tail. She is suspended indefinitely...dude!!!

I can't say anything but DUDE!!!

DUDE!!!!!!!!!

Tired of Working

Right on schedule, I'm tired of working and I still have like 35 pages left on this magazine. Boo! I'm so ready to be doing something else... Tomorrow is a photo shoot so that excites me but then it's back to this thing.

Ahhh! Dang my ADD. Which would I rather do right now--take photos or design?

I don't know. It's the conflict of my life. I think I would easily get tired of both. Story of my life. Again.

I do know that I want this film camera. I think it would be fun to mess around with. Ya? Ya! 

You control your own destiny

I've been watching a lot of Friday Night Light lately (I have season 1 on DVD) and I still cry even though I know already what's going to happen.

I've pretty much decided Connie Britton is amazing in her portrayal of a coach's wife. She makes it so exciting and enticing, to say the least. But that's of course, another story.

Anyway, one of the episodes the coach tells his team before the game, "You control your destiny."

And it's true. As much as what we do with our lives is trying to decide if we are following God's will, we are ultimately choosing our own destiny. We pick where we go. We pick who we hang out. What city we live in. What car we drive. Everything.

God gives us the desires of our hearts and he puts those desires in our heart but ultimately we must decide whether or not our destiny is to follow him. To consider everything rubbish except knowing Jesus Christ.

Love is...only worth something when you give it away.

Love. It's kind of this sickening thing that I never wanted to really think about. But recently I've had a lot of friends start getting involved or even getting engaged so I've had to think about it and think about what it really means to love someone and to be loved by someone.

So I have this friend, we'll name her Felicity (her name has been changed to protect the innocent). She recently started dating a man named Noel. He treats her like an absolute princess. She drove down to San Diego to hang out with him and he had the entire day planned--they went to an art show and they went wine tasting and they had a picnic and a nice dinner with wine and they watched the sunset on the beach. When it was time for "Felicity" to go home "Noel" packed her car with water and coffee and mixed CDs for the drive home and when she got home she found chocolate and roses in her trunk.

Like OMG, isn't that adorable? This is the kind of man that we should want and we should wait for, but how often do we settle? How often do we convince ourselves that we're not worth being adored by someone?

The story made me cry because I realized that I want to be at a point where I can accept adoration like that. Where I can accept that someone loves me and wants to be with me and adores me and respects me and accepts me--that I'm worth being treated like a princess.

The way that we get to a point like this isn't by putting ourselves out there for boys but being able to give love away, being able to give love because that's the only way that we are able to receive it. Trusting God for not only his protection and his guarding of our hearts, but trusting him as we give love away. Trusting God's love for us. And that's when we can not only fully give love, but we can fully receive love and we can receive beautiful gift and adoration from a man that God loves too.