Ephesians 3: 16-21

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power and that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I'm a horrible friend

There is Lily and Robin from How I Met Your Mother. They are bffs. The thing about these shows, that I realized a long time ago, is the absence of true friendship. They don't always show you friendship at its worse moments. It's down and dirty moments.

Now, I realize this is like 12431038 post on friendship in the last week and a half (but there's obviously a reason for that). Anyway, what I hated about all of these TV shows portrayal of friendship was the obvious-too closeness that some of the characters had. This self-centered, needy-ness they made seem like was required for "best friends." This I-can't-let-you-go, we-must-be-together-24-7, I'm-going-to-be-mad-at-one, let-me-tell-you-exactly-how-I-feel friendship. But later on in life, I realized these weren't actually that off base. I should tell someone how exactly I feel. I should be mad at someone. However, and it's a big however, I'm still somewhat iffy about the needy-ness and the let's-be-together-all-the-time ideal.

But recently I've been realizing what a horrible friend I am. And I don't mean that in some self-deprecating, I needy your pity kind of way. It's just the honest to God truth and something I think God wants me to work on before he sends me out into the "big bad world" again. I have a ton--A TON--of wonderful and amazing, would do anything for you kind of friends. My best friend is the most selfless, giving person I have ever met. Yet I'm continually, if not subconsciously, searching and seeking out new friends so I can protect myself from the eventual, inevitable, closeness, intimacy, true friendship the other person and I might encounter. Those moments of "I'm going to be mad at you. I'm going to tell you the truth." The "O" moment of a friendship.

I'm freaked out to get to a point of real commitment. I give half my heart and then I turn around, rip it back and run away as fast as I can. It's a bad habit I wish I could blame on my family. I probably should actually, but in the end I know I'm the only one responsible for it.

I've recently gotten myself in quite a pickle. Like a bonafied, serious effing pickle. Because, guess what? Nicole Chin...whose been published, whose worked in the industry, whose done so much at 23, can't seem to be comfortable in real, true friendships. Because Nicole Chin for some crazy reason prefers shallow friendships over real ones, prefers quantity over quality, prefers to know a lot of people rather than truly know a few. Damn me. I'm a horrible friend when it comes down to it.

I can support someone when it's good and when it's bad. I can show love to someone when it's nice and when it's ugly, but when it comes down to sharing a part of myself. When it comes down to me being real with them, to actually loving someone...well that's just too hard and I'd rather jump off a cliff then explain to you the arrogant yet insecure neurosis of my commitment-phobic brain.

I'm a "you're my best friend" slut. Everyone is my best friend. Everyone, but my best friend. The irony, right? I'm a "I love you" slut (reference How I met your mother season 2) without really saying I love you. I'm a fool, a tool I'm shallow and superficial and full of a facade when it comes to friendships. I'd rather you think we're close then actually be close because well, there's no fucking way that's going to happen.

Why, you might ask? I've been let down a handful of times when I actually felt something for the other person. I think it's from being beat up and bullied too much in high school. From being excluded and outcasted for so long for being me. Somewhere along the way I learned that faking it was easier than being real. That it was more attractive to make people work at being your friend than to actually have friends. That God wasn't suppose to be in the equation, when really he is suppose to.

But I can't blame my past for how I treat people in the present. I think, in general, I just hate being close to people and being in a position where I could actually lose something. Be in a position where God has to be in control, where I have to trust God, where I'm not in control and I'm not the one holding on to everything. In a position where I have to let go and let God work. I hate risking something, having to take a chance, putting something on the line--I'd rather just be everyone's friend then be close to a few. Not have to put my future, my life, my heart in their hands--given the fact that I assume they will probably just smash it, break it to a thousand pieces.

It's easier to always be making new friends then to keep making real friends, or so I've been told. I just need to be able to point out my 5 close friends and keep them close. Not point out my 5 close friends and then try to figure out who my next 5 close friends will be. Why can't I be satisfied? Why can't I be content with the friends that I have? Why doesn't my thick head understand that friendship isn't just rainbow and butterflies, but issues and garbage and fights and tears and anger? Why don't I ever stick around long enough to really build a deep, lasting friendship? Why do I jump from one person to the next and just not be content? Why don't I let God do the leading, the directing, the building--why don't I trust him with every aspect of my life? I need to trust him with the 3 Fs: future plans, friends and family. Not just 1 and 3. Not just 2. ALL OF THEM.

God is going to protect my heart. He's going to protect my emotions. I need to stop protecting myself. Stop being so damn independent and in control and start being co-dependent on God and letting him be in control. Accepting and receiving his love for me through the people he has placed in my life and stop seeking out my own friends and my own people to "love" me the way that I think I should be loved.

Nothing is perfect. Like I said before. Friendships...relationships take work. Take effort. Take heart. Take conflict to become real. It's about time I stopped chickening out when the going gets tough. Stop looking for the easy way out. Stop not committing and jumping around and moving on from one friend to the next. Confront conflict head on and trust God that if it's a real relationship it will survive, if it doesn't survive then it wasn't worth keeping in the first place. Trust God. Let him protect me.