sometimes the hardest thing & the right thing are the same

I've come to the conclusion, or at least I hope I have come to the right conclusion, that sometimes the right thing to do isn't always the easiest.

Today I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do--I said, "No."

If you know me, if you really truly know me, you know how incredibly hard it was for me to do. Even if I knew, even if I believed it was the right thing to do, five seconds before I did it, I was freaking out inside. My heart was pounding outside my chest. My knees were shaking. My blood racing.

I've never said "No" to anyone or anything thing really.

But I've had to learn boundaries recently. Emotional boundaries and actual, literal boundaries. Mental boundaries. In the last few weeks, my entire life has surrounded my inability to see my own boundaries and to use them correctly--whether it be emotionally, mentally and/or physically.

Today, I paid the price for that. So did a few other people. It was hard. Incredibly, excruciatingly hard but I realized, a few weeks ago, in order to fully obey God and continue on the path and plan that he has for me, I had to say no. Sometimes saying no isn't always saying yes to everything we think we're suppose to say yes to. Sometimes you have to put boundaries. Sometimes you have to be able to look at your life and see your own limitations. Sometimes you have to put other people, important people in your life, completely and utterly in the hands of God.

I can't be the perfect friend. I can't be the perfect worker. I can't be the perfect daughter. And I just have to trust God that he will not only be there for those important people when I can't, but that his goodness, his grace and his mercy surround them at all times.

God is so powerful. So good. So amazing. I can't testify that enough. The more that I continue to act like god in my own life, the more that I struggle. And the more that I continue to act like god in other peoples' lives, the more that they will struggle. I can't be everything. I can't really be anything. Only God can.

So today I had to say "No" because I know that the path that "yes" leads to is one I cannot take because it's not the path that God has me on and if I continue to say yes, if I continue to kill myself for my friends like I always have. I will just end up burnt out--or worse. I give and I give and I give and I don't need anything in return, but at the same time, I end up just incredible exhausted and worn out, unable to give because there is nothing to give from.

Saying No not only made sure that I'm keeping healthy emotional and mental boundaries, but it's also truly giving God what's most important to me--my friends. I trust God with so much but at the same time with so little. I trust him with my future, but not with my present. I ask him to provide community and close kindred spirits, but I don't surrender to him the lives of my friends. I trust God with myself and with my heart but not with my friends and their hearts.