Fake vs. Real

You ever been fake to someone?

Oh, come on, if you're reading this and we met in LA, Pasadena or Azusa--most likely you've been fake. I've been fake. I'm ashamed to admit, but you should just admit it too. I'm the last person that can judge.

I often do things because I feel obligated. Or I feel sorry for the person. I have this terrible savior-complex, think of Ryan in the OC, trying to save Marissa everytime she got in trouble. It's tragic flaw (Well, I have a lot of those, I'll admit that too.) Or I can't say "no." Or I hate letting people down (we've covered that one already). Or I want to be perfect--the perfect friend to be exact. I don't like failure. I don't like losing. I don't like being second best. It's many different tragic reasons. Whatever it is, hypocritically for the last 22 years that's what I've been--fake.

I use to hate fake people. I judged them. I despised them. I gossiped about them. I slammed them (I'm really not making myself look good on this post...). I was clever and conniving. I was bitter and resentful. I was hurt and angry. I was afraid and insecure. There's a million reasons why I use to do it.

I didn't trust people. I didn't trust God. So therefore I didn't really love people. I didn't really love God. And I didn't really let others love me. So therefore I didn't really let God love me.

I just realized I was what I hated. I became my own worse enemy at some point. I became the person who hurt me the most. I became the betrayer, the back stabber, the faker, the false friend--how did it happen? How did I become what I swore never to be?

You ever been faked to? I have. It sucks. And it sucks even more when you realize you were faked to. Been there, done that. And I'm learning now how to change that. How to stand up for myself. How to have security in who I am and who I know God has made me to be. Have security and strength and support in who I am--really, deeply--am and not be afraid to stand up for me. For what I want to do. For what I need to do. For what my life is suppose to be and how it needs to be lived and how I keep pursing God and pursing his plans.

And by faking it. By not being bold enough, strong enough, courageous enough to stand up for myself. I'm not standing up for God. I'm not standing up for his love, his plan, his will. When I fake it, I'm just pretend cause I'm afraid so I'm not trusting God. I fake it because I don't want to hurt people or I don't want to mess things up or I just want things to be perfect. None of that is actively seeking God's will, actively seeking God's plan and having faith and trusting him.

God didn't promise this life to be easy. He didn't promise this life to always be fun. But he said, by pressing on toward the goal God has called me to, I will continue to pursue him and pursue his plan. I won't always get things right, but taking the risk is a hell of a lot better than playing it safe on the sidelines and faking that everything's okay.

Personal Essays Suck

I wish I could pay someone to write this for me.

Any takers?

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One website says: "Writing your personal statement can be one of the most satisfying--or frustrating--writing experiences you'll ever have."


I would definitely go with the MOST FRUSTRATING experience I've ever had.