I'M THANKFUL FOR...
1. Healing & Restoration only possible through Christ.
It started out with counseling and Cleaning Stream and it was really unexpected the transformation that happened. I developed a genuine, real deep relationship with Jesus Christ. One that isn't just take, but give and take. One that isn't just me throwing prayers at him, but actually praying for people and giving them up to God. It started out with sorting through self-hatred and ended with dealing with fear, insecurity, anger, loneliness and criticism.2. Surrendering everything to Jesus.
After being completely broken by Christ, I still tried and insisted on living life independently from God. Then he really wrecked my life, forcing me to spend another year at home while my closest friends moved on and moved out (of CA and the US). Jesus wrecked my life. It's a phrase coined by Shane Claiborne, but I believe it to be true for my life. I needed to get to a place where I surrendered EVERY part of myself, my heart and even my relationships to Jesus. Surrender my past, my present and my future. Surrender. Submit. Let God take the wheel. Stop trying to dictate or control or influence the plan that I believed I needed to be on.
3. Giving God complete control--And trusting him with all my heart.
At one point I came to the realization that by not receiving the love and trusting my friends, then I'm not receiving God's love and trusting him completely. I'm still, by default, trying to do things all on my own. I had to repent for my pride and my need to control and my stubbornness and my lack of trust in him and just trust him. And trust him with everything--life plans, family safety and well being, friends and most importantly my heart (that he will protect it, grow it, heal it, and so on). In order to receive God's love and fully believe in the goodness of God, I need to be able to receive the people he's put into my life and receive the love that they give me.
4. Saying goodbye to perfectionism & needing to meet people's expectations.
By now, if you're reading this, I would assume you're a pretty loyal follower (hopefully). So I will painfully admit that in the last three months I've had six breakdowns. That's six more than I had in the first 23 years of my life. But it feels wonderful after I've realized the emotion. And I've finally realized that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be the perfect friend. I don't have to be the perfect worker. I don't have to be the perfect daughters. My relationships won't be perfect. My friendships won't be perfect. I won't be perfect. The only perfect person is Jesus. I've given up trying to be perfect and trying to meet everyone's expectations and listening to them. I've just got to be me, be who I believe Jesus has created me to be and follow my God-given destiny.
5. A life of freedom--free of fear, insecurity, depression, darkness, low self-worth and low self-confidence
I want to say that it wasn't a cure-all, but I actually, in retrospect, think it was. In Cleansing Stream, we dove through our issues, prayed healing prayers over them, repented for the ways we let them get out of control. Later, I went through all the issues and circumstances and struggles I had in my life and sorted through my emotions and my hurts and my fears throughout them. A few of you know I've struggled with depression for quite a while. I've struggled with fear. With insecurity. With darkness. With low self-confidence. Low self-worth. And those things aren't something I struggle with anymore. I'm confident in my work. I'm confident of walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation with them. I'm confident and fearless and a dreamer finally. I know what I must do to live my life. And it's being confident, not prideful. Confident. Secure. Fearless. In Jesus. First and foremost in Jesus and then everything else falls into place. Confident. Secure. Fearless. In the love Jesus has for me and in the goodness that God is. I can confidently live a life without fear because I'm secure in Jesus.
6. Heart & head alignment.
Even though these last few months have been incredibly hard, I know they served a purpose. I finally got a chance to align my head and my heart. I've been non-stop overachieving since summer 2007 when I interned at ESPN. Since then, I've known that the industry wasn't my dream or my job, but I still was semi-pursuing it because I thought that's what I wanted and what my parents wanted for me. For the last couple of months, I've gotten to do what I have yet to really do while living in LA: enjoy life. I've painted. I've worked out. I've enjoyed myself. And I've been able to figure myself out and figure out what I love doing and how that plays into what I want to do with my life. I love to design things. I love to create things for social impact, but at the same time I love to travel and I detest DETEST desk jobs. And I never want to work in the industry and have to deal with the drama and the crap and everything, I just want to make a difference. I want to create something that changes the world. I don't have the completely solution yet, but I'm one step closer.
7. I have wonderful, amazing friends.
Self-explanatory. But I'm incredibly blessed. God is good.
8. Freelance. God is good.
There was a time where I had no work, no drive, no purpose, no motivation this year. Karen looked at me and told me I needed to pursue something and stop slumming around. But I had absolutely no goal in mind and on top of that no God to direct me. I was angry at him. I was burnt out and angry and frustrated and absolutely mad at him--but didn't realize it cause it was all pent up and hidden inside of me. But then I figured it out. Then I realized I needed to live life with God, not independently from him, but actually truly just trust him with ALL of my life. And the jobs poured in. The photography and the design and the websites. And then grad school applications. God is good. He always protects, always provides, always pursues.
9. Lucky to be living at home.
It gets tough, no doubt. But I'm blessed to just be able to live at home. Plus, I have no job and have no money to pay rent--that definitely helps.9. Lucky to be living at home.
10. The Dodgers made the playoffs again.
