Don't Hit and Run!

This 18-inch dent was from a hit and run accident in the parking lot at Dodger Stadium at Game 1 of the NLCS series back in October. It cost $2,000 to fix and is actually on both the passenger side doors.

I was thankful to not have been driving when it happened. And thankful that my car was not worse off than it was. It's long story and God is faithful and redeeming.

I had a guardian angel looking after me in the form of a witness and his son. They saw the incident, wrote down the guys license plate and model of his car and left a note on my dashboard and someone else wrote it on my back window. He said there was at least 5 other parties who witnessed the ordeal. Crazy. God is good. Wow.

Anyway, the next night I had to go to the police station in Silver Lake to file a police report. Probably the most nerve wrecking 45-minutes of my life, especially when two police officers game in with what seemed like a warrant thinking that I had hit and run someone...or maybe I was just too too nervous sitting in the break room being questioned by a cop.

This afternoon I received a letter following up on the accident (they phoned me yesterday to let me know that the driver of the other car had been identified and came in and confessed to the collision) but this letter says that the City Attorney filed a hit and run on the party that hit me.

Wow. I didn't really think that this could be happen/would happen. Just goes to show you don't hit and run since the driver is looking at either jail time or cal trans work, depending on what he pleas after the court hearing.

Wow.

Ephesians 4:2-3, 15-16

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.


Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.


I got so much crap coming out of my ears, it's ridiculous! Pray for me! 

Just one part of my bedroom composed of to-do lists...

Crazy Eyes

Don't ignore the crazy eyes.

Ephesians 3: 16-21

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power and that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I'm a horrible friend

There is Lily and Robin from How I Met Your Mother. They are bffs. The thing about these shows, that I realized a long time ago, is the absence of true friendship. They don't always show you friendship at its worse moments. It's down and dirty moments.

Now, I realize this is like 12431038 post on friendship in the last week and a half (but there's obviously a reason for that). Anyway, what I hated about all of these TV shows portrayal of friendship was the obvious-too closeness that some of the characters had. This self-centered, needy-ness they made seem like was required for "best friends." This I-can't-let-you-go, we-must-be-together-24-7, I'm-going-to-be-mad-at-one, let-me-tell-you-exactly-how-I-feel friendship. But later on in life, I realized these weren't actually that off base. I should tell someone how exactly I feel. I should be mad at someone. However, and it's a big however, I'm still somewhat iffy about the needy-ness and the let's-be-together-all-the-time ideal.

But recently I've been realizing what a horrible friend I am. And I don't mean that in some self-deprecating, I needy your pity kind of way. It's just the honest to God truth and something I think God wants me to work on before he sends me out into the "big bad world" again. I have a ton--A TON--of wonderful and amazing, would do anything for you kind of friends. My best friend is the most selfless, giving person I have ever met. Yet I'm continually, if not subconsciously, searching and seeking out new friends so I can protect myself from the eventual, inevitable, closeness, intimacy, true friendship the other person and I might encounter. Those moments of "I'm going to be mad at you. I'm going to tell you the truth." The "O" moment of a friendship.

I'm freaked out to get to a point of real commitment. I give half my heart and then I turn around, rip it back and run away as fast as I can. It's a bad habit I wish I could blame on my family. I probably should actually, but in the end I know I'm the only one responsible for it.

I've recently gotten myself in quite a pickle. Like a bonafied, serious effing pickle. Because, guess what? Nicole Chin...whose been published, whose worked in the industry, whose done so much at 23, can't seem to be comfortable in real, true friendships. Because Nicole Chin for some crazy reason prefers shallow friendships over real ones, prefers quantity over quality, prefers to know a lot of people rather than truly know a few. Damn me. I'm a horrible friend when it comes down to it.

I can support someone when it's good and when it's bad. I can show love to someone when it's nice and when it's ugly, but when it comes down to sharing a part of myself. When it comes down to me being real with them, to actually loving someone...well that's just too hard and I'd rather jump off a cliff then explain to you the arrogant yet insecure neurosis of my commitment-phobic brain.

I'm a "you're my best friend" slut. Everyone is my best friend. Everyone, but my best friend. The irony, right? I'm a "I love you" slut (reference How I met your mother season 2) without really saying I love you. I'm a fool, a tool I'm shallow and superficial and full of a facade when it comes to friendships. I'd rather you think we're close then actually be close because well, there's no fucking way that's going to happen.

Why, you might ask? I've been let down a handful of times when I actually felt something for the other person. I think it's from being beat up and bullied too much in high school. From being excluded and outcasted for so long for being me. Somewhere along the way I learned that faking it was easier than being real. That it was more attractive to make people work at being your friend than to actually have friends. That God wasn't suppose to be in the equation, when really he is suppose to.

But I can't blame my past for how I treat people in the present. I think, in general, I just hate being close to people and being in a position where I could actually lose something. Be in a position where God has to be in control, where I have to trust God, where I'm not in control and I'm not the one holding on to everything. In a position where I have to let go and let God work. I hate risking something, having to take a chance, putting something on the line--I'd rather just be everyone's friend then be close to a few. Not have to put my future, my life, my heart in their hands--given the fact that I assume they will probably just smash it, break it to a thousand pieces.

It's easier to always be making new friends then to keep making real friends, or so I've been told. I just need to be able to point out my 5 close friends and keep them close. Not point out my 5 close friends and then try to figure out who my next 5 close friends will be. Why can't I be satisfied? Why can't I be content with the friends that I have? Why doesn't my thick head understand that friendship isn't just rainbow and butterflies, but issues and garbage and fights and tears and anger? Why don't I ever stick around long enough to really build a deep, lasting friendship? Why do I jump from one person to the next and just not be content? Why don't I let God do the leading, the directing, the building--why don't I trust him with every aspect of my life? I need to trust him with the 3 Fs: future plans, friends and family. Not just 1 and 3. Not just 2. ALL OF THEM.

God is going to protect my heart. He's going to protect my emotions. I need to stop protecting myself. Stop being so damn independent and in control and start being co-dependent on God and letting him be in control. Accepting and receiving his love for me through the people he has placed in my life and stop seeking out my own friends and my own people to "love" me the way that I think I should be loved.

Nothing is perfect. Like I said before. Friendships...relationships take work. Take effort. Take heart. Take conflict to become real. It's about time I stopped chickening out when the going gets tough. Stop looking for the easy way out. Stop not committing and jumping around and moving on from one friend to the next. Confront conflict head on and trust God that if it's a real relationship it will survive, if it doesn't survive then it wasn't worth keeping in the first place. Trust God. Let him protect me.

Not feeling good enough

I recently got hooked on Transformers so I was looking into Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf when I came across something that's really really disheartening.

These are before and after pictures of Megan Fox, international super star, mega sex symbol. And even though there are at least 5 years difference between these pictures, there are significant changes only possible by plastic surgery (see lips and nose for proof).

This is disheartening for several reasons. The first is that the media portrays these women to be the ideal beauty (Fox was voted 2009 sexiest women alive by FHM). They pound these images in young girls' heads that this is what they need to look like. They need to be this perfect looking. And on top of that, you find out that the celebrity that your daughter is idolizing and trying to look like has actually had thousands of dollars pour into plastic surgery. This isn't even how the celebrity really looks--this is how they have created themselves to look. Yet sometimes people kill themselves to look like this idea because only then will they feel beautiful and precious and wonderful and worthy of being loved.

And on top of this, it's disheartening because the celebrities have to put themselves through all this surgery to look like that. Even the prettiest people in the world have days where they don't feel pretty. Even the prettiest people in the world have aspects about their bodies that they don't like. Even the prettiest people in the world sometimes don't feel good enough, worthy of love. People are hurting on both ends, on both sides.

The world is a terrible, cold place. With expectations and pressures and stress and desires and darkness. It tells young women we need to look a certain way and if we don't, we must kill ourselves to look that way. We must not eat, we must take diet pills, we must do plastic surgery, we must do whatever we can to be the ideal beauty so that we can be loved, we can be worshipped, we can be adored.

It's sad. It's heartbreakingly, devastatingly sad. The world is not a perfect place so then why are we trying to be?

Taking care of me

I haven't really been taking care of myself for the last couple of months. I like to put others before myself. I think it's a biblical trait we all must learn. I use to be really self-involved growing up. I can't really tell you much about other people, only about myself if you ask me about high school. However, I am getting to the point where I do so much for other people that I am just burnt out and exhausted by the end of the day, week and sometime even month.

So in order to fully take care of "me," I've devised some activities that I enjoy and are strictly "me-time" and don't involve watching too much TV or too many movies: 1.) the gym. I love working out and being active 2.) reading. I am really starting to enjoy the refresh and the peace of reading.

I'm trying to teach myself about boundaries. Boundaries in saying no and in saying yes. Boundaries in what I do with my time. What I do for who. Emotional boundaries. Who I invest it. Who I spend the most time with.

When I was going to counseling I had to go through and do the onion exercise with my shrink.

See the onion. It has rings and each ring is suppose to represent a lever of closeness to you, the center. And depending on what ring a person is on, then you spend time with that person. I have such a hard time figuring out where to invest my time. I like people. A lot. I like to hang out with people. A lot. And most of the time it doesn't really matter who they. I like to use my phone. A lot. I like to text and email. A lot. I'm learning what to do and how to keep your close friends close and not expend myself over everyone.

I'm also learning a lot about Christ-centered community and about how much it is worth it.