Happy birthday to me!

This post is dedicated to the number 24. I heard it's a good one. I've been in need of a good one. I won't lament or complain, but I can tell you 22 and 23 haven't been extremely happy years (though there have definitely been some really good moments and some really amazing lessons), to say the least. So I'm excited for 24. I say bring it God! Bring it! Here's to believe that 24 will be a good year and knowing it will be!

Highlights of 22:
-Graduated from college
-moved to florida
-got my ass whooped by God
-moved to westwood
-got my ass whooped by God. Again. It's true.

Highlights of 23:
-moved home
-started working at foursquare
-lost my job at foursquare
-went through counseling; learned the value of intimate and honest communication
-went through cleansing stream; had incredible healing and restoration
-decided to apply for grad school

The thing that keeps me going is the hope that I have in the Lord and the belief I have in his power and in his might and in his love for me. God wants to give me the desires of my heart. He wants what is best for me. He doesn't want me to be alone. He doesn't want me to be hopeless. He doesn't want me to be angry and hurt for the rest of my life. God wants me to succeed. He wants me to find love and joy in people and in life and in work. He wants me to travel and see the world. He wants me to be happy.

Psalm 37:4 reads, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

It's common misconstrued that being Christian means always suffering, always bearing the cross, always dying to Christ. When I think the truth is that when we are following God and we are completely and wholly serving and dedicated to him that his love and his will and his mercy and his heart become the desires of our hearts. In one way or another. It doesn't mean everyone will want to help the poor. And it doesn't mean that everyone will have to sell all of their possessions to give food to the hungry. It's different for everyone.

A relationship with Christ is difficult. It's hard. It sucks. It's wrecked my life on more than one occasion. I thought I was destined to be somebody, but then God got a hold of me. God said, "Sorry, that's not going to be you." And ever since then I've been on this road, this path of life lessons. And it's still hard and it still sucks and God still wrecks my life.

Why? Because he wants the best for me. Because he wants to grow me and shape me and mold me into the person he created me to be. It may sound trite. It may even sound empty but God is good. All the time. He wants what's best for us. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to be loved. He wants us to be happy.

Feeling the love!

God has been so good lately! So good! I can't believe how often--and how easy--it is to forget about his goodness and his love. Praise the Lord!

Highlights:
- Got rec letter back from ESPN, almost unchanged and still a very nice letter!
- Got an amazing rec letter from by former boss at NAIA
- Got a nice paying project from Nate to pay for some of the Christmas damage (I worry about finances right now because I can't work but it's things like this that remind me God's in control)
- Got paid an additional percentage off a project that took way too long. Yay!
- Ummmm my new battery is wonderful!
- Lots of photography stuff too!

I made some hard choices last month and it was really difficult to follow what I believe God was telling me and this, this just proves that when you step out in faith, you take a chance, you cry out to God, you surrender to him--you're going to receive tenfold of what you asked for! Be it in relationships, in money, in circumstances--God fulfills the desires of your heart, the needs of your soul. It's his promise to us.

Miracle on Huntington Blvd!

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. Hebrews 6: 10

The most amazing miracle happened to me yesterday. I work an awful lot on my laptop these days--or for the past year--so I've basically killed the battery and it just recently started shutting off without warning when it was empty. The battery was crap and I needed a new one so my parents said that they would give me one for Christmas.

Fast forward to December 17, 2009. I've seen a lot of miracles in my life, legs lengthened, cancer cured, disabilities fixed. They were mostly orchestrated by my mom, but still led by the holy spirit. I've never just had that moment where God showed up you know--because God was always brought by my mother. So when I went to Starbucks yesterday I didn't think my world would be rocked. To be honest, I always thought miracles, the impossible, good things, etc. you know were always something for people other than me. How could God love me so much that he gives me the desires of my heart?

But in recent months, I've began to see that change. I've begun to realize that God really does love me. He has saved me from many accidents this year, many trials, many tribulations, many tragedies. This year I've already been astonished by how great his love is, how wonderful, how infinite, how unsurpassable it is. I've seen God's goodness this year more than I ever thought I could. But then, then there's this.

So there I am sitting at Starbucks about to start my day's work when I hear a "Excuse me miss." Normally I would have ignored it. I would have turned away and not talked to anyone--I use to be, well let's just say a tad bit snotty. But now days, I like to talk to people. I like to smile at them. Say hello. Say thank you. So I turned to him and I said hi. He looked at my computer and said, "Is that a macbook pro you have? A 15-inch? The old model?" I looked at him with his new macbook pro model and said, "Yes."

"I have a brand new extra battery, would you like it? I spilled a bunch of wine on my old one, right after I bought a new battery."

"Uh, yes, sure. What do you want for it?" I ask.

"Nothing, don't worry about it. I carry it around, looking for someone to give it to. You can have it. It's worth $130. Let me go get it from my car."

"Ummm...ok."

And he comes back with a 15-inch macbook pro rechargable battery and it still has the ID tag on it. I ask him if he's sure he doesn't want it anything for it. He says yes. I ask him if he will let me buy him a cup of coffee. He says, "No thanks, I already have a cup."

We talk for a bit and he leaves and I'm left at Starbucks, sitting there, with a brand new $130 rechargeable battery. Ummmm...GOD?

Oh how God shows up. When you need it the most. When you're five minutes from deciding that's there no reason to being a Christian. That God can't possible understand or determine what you need when you're constantly in this state of nothing. That's where I was until Thursday, December 18, 2009. Five minutes from giving up. Five minutes from saying it wasn't worth it anymore. The chaos, the conflict, the confusion---not worth pressing through, not worth persevering when there's no end in sight and no confirmation or affirmation of any promises to be fulfilled. That's where I was at--until this miracle. Until experiencing God's love and God's grace and God's redemption and God's faithfulness firsthand.

Julie & Julia

I saw Julie & Julia in theaters this summer with my grandmother. I felt like I could relate a little too well with depressed and displeased 30-year-old Julie Powell.

Haven't you ever just felt like your life was meant to be more than it was? Haven't you ever felt like there was something bigger out there for you? Haven't you ever felt like there was more to life than this? As we enter this holiday season, I find myself more and more frustrated with life. More and more upset with the way things are. I am very fortunate. Very blessed. I live a very good life. So should I even be wanting more? Is it okay for me to want more?

I'm tired of working at what feels like nothing. I'm tired of living at home and feeling 18 all the time. I'm tired of being in California. I'm tired of being angry and frustrated. I'm tired of just feeling like I'm sitting on the sidelines while other people get to play bigger roles. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm over so much of this.

How do you find the strength to pull through? How do you persevere? How do you keep going when it seems so much easier to settle into the mediocre life with the mediocre person doing mediocre thing? How do you keep from settling? How do you survive when you've been swimming way too long?

God helps, it's true. But you still get frustrated. You still get pissed off. You still get tired. I've been trying really hard to just focus and seek God's will in all of this, for comfort and solace, but it's getting harder and harder every week, the longer I'm here. The long I'm here, the more I think that it will be so much easier if I just get a desk job, I start looking for Mr. Right, and I get married, start popping out kids, become a coaches wife and bake snacks all day long and go to PTA meetings every week and make sack lunches in ugly brown paper bags.

Is that the easier life?

I want more. I can feel it. I can taste it. But it's not here...

Snippet from "Boxed in by love languages" on Relevantmagazine.com

When Jesus spoke of love, whether for your neighbor, spouse, or enemy, He pictured a holistic love, one that doesn’t ask for anything in return. He taught, with his words and actions, that there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life. He did this physically, to the point of death. And yet, we have such difficulty with simply setting aside our wants, intentions, insecurities, and agendas. Even marriage is supposed to be an imitation of the way Christ fully loves the church, his “bride.” So why does our version of love seem so finicky and particular, keeping record of rights and wrongs? As theologian and philosopher Rufus Jones said, “Men wrongly divide love into two types, “human love” and “divine love”, but in reality there is only love.”

Consider 1 Corinthians 13 (MSG): “Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always "me first”, Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.”

True fulfillment, outside of our own fickle “needs”, beyond the shortcomings of society’s depiction of “love”, is only found within the grace and compassion of Christ. We won’t always “click” with everyone or be able to easily organize them under a checklist with headings and bullet points. We won’t always feel fully valued or appreciated by them either… life is far too messy and organic for that. But in these times, remember that “love is patient, love is kind.” Look to a God who loves unconditionally, and assess how you can do the same with those around you.

Read the rest of the article here.

Good tidings of comfort and joy

Yesterday was a good day.

I got to hang out with sweet, beautiful girls and enjoy sweet, beautiful friendship. I am blessed beyond what I ever expected by so many wonderful, amazing friends.

When I was a kid, I never really thought I'd be where I am today. How sad is that? I felt horribly disliked, unfortunately outcasted, and very very uncool and unpopular and unlovable. I write this because I want you to know there is freedom and there is hope from feelings like that. I'm living proof. I use to think that I would never have any meaningful friends. I would watch TV shows like Dawson's Creek, Saved by the Bell and The OC and think the shows were a bunch of crap because, well, no one really loves each other like they do on TV? Most people end up hating you for one reason or another. You can trust anyone. You can't fully love anyone. You've got to always protect yourself. You are the only one who can protect your heart, your soul--you gotta keep it away from everyone.

Lies! So many lies! God is our protector, our savior, our best friend, our lover, our father! It wasn't until I developed this amazing relationship with our father that I got to experience his relentless love for me and how he gives us that relentless, unyielding love through other people in our lives. I use to think that I had to be insecure,  I had to be a wall, I had to keep to myself because that was the only way that I would stay safe, that I would keep from hurting, that I could shield myself from the pain.

But the truth is this: if we are shielding ourselves from the pain, if we are living a life full of fear and insecurity than we are not fully embracing Jesus Christ. I'm not saying that I've solved the equation, that now I have it all together or even that this relationship with Christ erases 22 years of pain and hurt and loneliness instantly. All I'm saying is that there is a freedom in Christ. There is love in Christ. There is community in Christ. There is so much on the other side when we surrender to him, give our hearts completely to him, trust in him to protect us and keep us safe and hope in him.

There is so much more on the other side--just waiting for us.

Things I never thought were possibly--things that I never thought I could feel. Happiness. Joy. Security. Strength. Confidence. Being wanted. Being needed. Being loved.

If someone had asked me a year ago how I thought I would feel a year from now; freedom would be the last thing I had thought. How did I feel a year ago? Tired. Exhausted. Empty. Frustrated. Insecure. Fearful. Angry. Low self-worth. Low self-esteem. Did I think that freedom was possible? Did I know this freedom was possible? No. But it is--and it is more than worth it.

Fake vs. Real

You ever been fake to someone?

Oh, come on, if you're reading this and we met in LA, Pasadena or Azusa--most likely you've been fake. I've been fake. I'm ashamed to admit, but you should just admit it too. I'm the last person that can judge.

I often do things because I feel obligated. Or I feel sorry for the person. I have this terrible savior-complex, think of Ryan in the OC, trying to save Marissa everytime she got in trouble. It's tragic flaw (Well, I have a lot of those, I'll admit that too.) Or I can't say "no." Or I hate letting people down (we've covered that one already). Or I want to be perfect--the perfect friend to be exact. I don't like failure. I don't like losing. I don't like being second best. It's many different tragic reasons. Whatever it is, hypocritically for the last 22 years that's what I've been--fake.

I use to hate fake people. I judged them. I despised them. I gossiped about them. I slammed them (I'm really not making myself look good on this post...). I was clever and conniving. I was bitter and resentful. I was hurt and angry. I was afraid and insecure. There's a million reasons why I use to do it.

I didn't trust people. I didn't trust God. So therefore I didn't really love people. I didn't really love God. And I didn't really let others love me. So therefore I didn't really let God love me.

I just realized I was what I hated. I became my own worse enemy at some point. I became the person who hurt me the most. I became the betrayer, the back stabber, the faker, the false friend--how did it happen? How did I become what I swore never to be?

You ever been faked to? I have. It sucks. And it sucks even more when you realize you were faked to. Been there, done that. And I'm learning now how to change that. How to stand up for myself. How to have security in who I am and who I know God has made me to be. Have security and strength and support in who I am--really, deeply--am and not be afraid to stand up for me. For what I want to do. For what I need to do. For what my life is suppose to be and how it needs to be lived and how I keep pursing God and pursing his plans.

And by faking it. By not being bold enough, strong enough, courageous enough to stand up for myself. I'm not standing up for God. I'm not standing up for his love, his plan, his will. When I fake it, I'm just pretend cause I'm afraid so I'm not trusting God. I fake it because I don't want to hurt people or I don't want to mess things up or I just want things to be perfect. None of that is actively seeking God's will, actively seeking God's plan and having faith and trusting him.

God didn't promise this life to be easy. He didn't promise this life to always be fun. But he said, by pressing on toward the goal God has called me to, I will continue to pursue him and pursue his plan. I won't always get things right, but taking the risk is a hell of a lot better than playing it safe on the sidelines and faking that everything's okay.

Personal Essays Suck

I wish I could pay someone to write this for me.

Any takers?

****

One website says: "Writing your personal statement can be one of the most satisfying--or frustrating--writing experiences you'll ever have."


I would definitely go with the MOST FRUSTRATING experience I've ever had.

Stressed

Not entirely sure how I'm going to get everything done...

I still have this to do:

1.) Epicentre Logo

2.) Dr. Chin Website

3.) Portfolio website

4.) Learn after effects

5.) create two motion videos

6.) write personal statement

7.) get rec letters

8.) get transcripts

9.) fill out applications

10.) assemble portfolio discs

11.) paints canvases for RISD

TOO MUCH TO DO.