I'm a people pleaser

I'm a people pleaser. I hate hurting people's feelings. I always do what's best for the other person. I prefer to make life easier for everyone. I don't like when people get upset, when they're mad at me. I care a little too much about what other people think. I try to be perfect. I try to not upset the balance or the equilibrium. I am the quintessential Asian. I don't like conflict or messes or fights and I prefer that I myself suffer over someone else.

So my brain is being wrecked at this moment. I don't doubt that I made the right decision for myself. But it seems strange, almost abnormal and estranged, that the decision seems to be the best one for myself. It's taken a lot of growth to get to this point. Often times I have killed myself slaving over things for other people--whether it's a little thing or a big thing--people come first. Giving comes before receiving. Others before myself. Selflessness versus selfishness. Humility over pride. Satisfaction over happiness. I could go on...

I don't doubt that I didn't, without prayer and wisdom, make the right decision. I'm just having a hard time with it because I'm such a people pleaser. Which only goes to show more that I made the right decision. I am having a hard time because I couldn't be perfect. I couldn't be the perfect you-fill-in-the-blank. And on top of that, this drastically affects the way that people view me, the way they talk about me, the way they will refer to me in the future.

I am an obnoxious, obsessive compulsive people pleaser. It's terrible and tragic. And not only am I people pleaser, but I like to be liked. I like to be entertained. I like to have something to do on a Friday night. I like to be busy. I like to be surrounded by people as much as possible.

Tragic flaw?

Quite possibly. If the last couple weeks have taught me anything, it might just be that I'm human. I'm prideful and conceited, I'm insecure and afraid, and I'm seriously self-involved. I like winning others over way too much and care too little until I'm in deep shit. I might even go so far as to say I don't love as many people as I should--Or I have an extremely hard time with grace and love and mercy once people start to drive me insanely crazy.

That might also constitute as a tragic flaw. I know I had to do what I did (and wouldn't you like to know what that was). I know that. God's confirmed it. But I still feel so bad about it. I feel like a let down, an imperfect let down and that's not really the greatest feeling in the world.

But I suppose it's time I felt that feeling, once and for all.