Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you

Save me, I’m lost
Oh Lord, I’ve been waiting for you
I’ll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I’m wrong
I can’t do better than this
I’ll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I’m looking for
- "Show me what I'm looking for" Carolina Liar


I haven't been able to blog for a while, for several different reasons. The first being technical. My browser was interacting funky with blogspot. Second because I plainly didn't feel like it. Sorry, it's the truth.

So I didn't get into grad school.

This wasn't just a blow to the ego, it was a blow to my heart. A sharp, sharp blow of disappointment, anger, frustration, hurt, and pain. Especially when I was already at a place of doubting where I was suppose to be heading and where I thought I was suppose to be going. Stuck on a couch for 6 weeks does plenty to the mind as well as the body. I was angry and pissed off and I cried alot and I sat around depressed and watched 3 season of Chuck in a weekend. I was lost and confused and frustrated. I didn't want to move--in fear that if I did I would just encounter more disappointment, more hurt, more sadness.

But I can tell you this, now that I'm on the other side. God is good. Beyond anything and everything I ever imagined. Beyond rhyme and reason. Beyond faith and failure. Beyond limitations and achievements. God is good. This I know for certain.

Colt McCoy said, after the Longhorns lost of the BCS Championship, "I always give God the glory. I never question why things happen the way they do. God is in control of my life, and I know that, if nothing else, I'm standing on the rock."

It's true. For the last 3 months, living in uncertainty and doped up on painkillers, one thing has rung true--I'm standing on the rock and God is in control. My foot has healed to almost perfect condition. There were no complications. No unforeseeable problems. Nothing. And while the first six weeks were painful, now that I'm on the last six weeks, it's hard to remember the pain at all. (Ok, that's a lie).

Truth of the matter is this: God is good. God is beyond good. Oh how he loves us. His love just overwhelms me.

I recently turned down a job with Invisible Children. I've wanted experience with a non-profit so bad. I've wanted to be out of LA. I've wanted to find community. I've wanted. I've wanted. I've wanted. Sometimes what we want--often times--what we want clouds what we really need, what our hearts truly desire. I turned it down because it was unpaid. They countered with a "small stipend." But by then I had already decided to change my attitude and work with a few friends who already started a design business doing exactly what I want to do with my life--except for the fact that they are based in LA. I also decided that while it's important to work this summer for a non-profit, what's more important is to spend time with my friends and my family. For the first time in my life, I decided to pick friends and family and Jesus over work, over success, over reputation and skill and growing my talents (which who is to say I still can't do that while focused more so on my friends). And how amazing was it to tell my best friend that I pick her over one of my latest-get-famous-quick-job-opportunities and to hear her shock, her excitement, her joy that finally, maybe just finally, I was getting things right.

That started the ball of blessing rolling. It's funny how small decisions, small attitude adjustments open us up to seeing a world of difference and to seeing how Jesus is right there in front of us.

I recently returned from a work trip in Hawaii where I got to shoot photographs of construction sites all over the island, on army bases and on housing complexes and wear a hard hat and steel toed boots and be all legit. I'm designing a website for one of the top electrical companies on the island and that just simply astounds me. God astounds. God ridiculously, continuously puts me at awe. I'm blown away by his love, his mercy, his grace, his goodness.

And while it's still painful to know that I didn't get into the school of my dreams, painful to think about living in NYC again and walking those streets listening to the hum of passing cars and the honking of angry taxes as a dream still put on hold, I get it God. For the first time, I think I might actually get it. It's all about right now, but it's not having all of it right now. And God is in control. He gave me dreams and desires and passions, but he didn't give them all to me for this moment. Life's a marathon, not a sprint, after all.

And while I might feel like I'm not going anywhere. While I might look at myself and see living at home, following my dreams of becoming a graphic designer not entirely the way I mapped it out. While I might see the late night questions, the implied curfews, the roommate-less situation as something that is hindering me from MY plan, truth of the matter is I'm still on God's plan. I'm still following him. And that's really all I can do. All we can do is follow God, pursue God, press into God--and he does the rest. We can't do more, he doesn't ask for more--it's all he wants and it's all we need to do.

The Older Brother Syndrome

Back in the 90s, Matthew Fox was famous for his stint as resident good big brother Charlie Salinger. Charlie had to quit his job and move home to take care of his four siblings when his parents were tragically killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. Charlie was the prime example of the older brother, similar to the prodigal father story found in the bible. Charlie had to leave his entire life behind to serve his family and to take care of his siblings, raising them, teaching them and being their legal guardian. His life, as he knew it, as he dreamed of it being, cease to exist.

I have been reading this book, Experiencing Father's Embrace by Jack Frost.

If you want a book that will change your life, it's this one. It takes about the Father's love, what often keeps us from receiving that love and how we can position our hearts in a way to receive the Father's love. Chapter 5 is about the Older Brother Syndrome from the story of the Prodigal Father. The older brother was the one who was hurt and resentful because his younger, rebellious brother received his father's joyous welcoming, including the fattest cafe available. This chapter talks about how easy it is to fall into a spirit of legalism, of religious-ness and how when we do, we become like the older brother. We in turn sign against love because when we are too concerned pride, jealousy and self-righteousness and instead of seeing the hurt and the lost the way that God sees them, we see them with judgement, criticism and pride. We see how we can be better than someone because we need to be the best that we can to be able to receive God's love. That's a lie. We are given God's for no reason, simply because he loves us. But so often we fall into this self-righteous, prideful, envious attitude where we believe that we have to do certain things, be them spiritual or ministerial acts or financial success and accolades to have God's approval, love and blessing.

"The older brother syndrome creates its own cycle that takes the sincere but gullible participant down a subtle path of self-destruction that, if left unchecked, ultimately leads to a cold heart void of love, tenderness, or compassion. The key to breaking the cycle is to recognize the symptoms early enough to thwart its development. The sins of the older brother can cause severe damage in the Church if allowed to continue, because the sins against love and compassion are the most harmful to needy people seeking forgiveness and healing. It is a great tragedy when wayward younger brothers and sisters who are on the verge of repentance and restoration to the Father are shut out by self-righteousness of those who profess the name of Christ.

As soon as the older brother or good son drifts away from the father's house because of a negative attitude of self-love, jealousy, or judgmentalism, an emotional and spiritual distance is immediately created between him and his Father. any distance from God's love will gradually gravitate to law and legalism, and it will lead to feelings of insecurity because it is the unconditional acceptance of the Father that gives our true value and self-worth."

"Deeply intimate relationships with other people are possibly only between individuals who are secure in God's love, because the foundation of such relationships is love, trust, and commitment. As soon as distance from God's unconditional love and insecurity begins to occur, intimacy with others become very difficult because we treat others in the way we feel about ourselves. Whatever we feel that we have to do to feel valued by God, then others will have to do the same to feel valued by us."

"The real problem comes when we believe that to truly be accepted, or important in life, we must be the one to earn it. If we aren't able to achieve what we believe we must, we may begin to judge ourselves...And finally, because of the guilt that we feel for coming up short, we put on a cloak of defensiveness and judgementalism, and the need to be right becomes more important than fostering healthy relationships."

"The love of God is a gift; it is free and undeserved. There is nothing you can do to be loved by Him any more than you already are. And there is nothing you can do to lessen His love. God's love is unconditional, but if it is not experienced on a level that brings healing to the childhood hurt and anger at not feeling unconditionally love, a resentment and critical attitude is often the result. when that childhood frustration encounters the laws and rules of religion, an environment is created in which the older brother syndrome may flourish."

New foot, new me!

This is my bunion this summer, right when I got back from traveling through Hawaii, then to DC and NYC, back to LA and then hopping over to SF. After a month of traveling it really began to ache and I dreaded the thought that maybe all of the walking in boots (because they weighed too much to fit into my suitcase and at one point got thrown in a trash can) lugging my suitcase around cities had begun to take a tool on my poor footsy! So I decided, being the dutiful photographer that I am, I should take a picture and document what size it was so that I could tell if it was growing.

I'm sure it grew larger than this before I decide to get surgery, considering my September x-rays from one doctor were defunct to my January x-rays from another doctor. Pretty disgusting, yes?

So I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm in pain all the time. I'm restless. I'm useless. It's pretty annoying 2 1/2 weeks into it. But I know there is a plan and a purpose for this time--I'm just trying to figure out what that is.

I did come to the realization tonight that I just got a new foot. I've been trying to find a way to solidify and mark this new me--the one who has purpose and passion--and I just realized not only am I a new me, but I got a new foot to show for it (and soon, a tattoo). I got a new foot to take me to new heights and on a new journey, a new adventure--one I never really expected, one I never really believed I could have until now.

So here's to marking the end of a chapter. A redemption chapter. A story filled with character and triumph and heart break and loneliness and perseverance and grace and truth and spirit and victory!

Skipping DVD

My bunion obliteration surgery has given me a 6-week pause of life. On the one hand, it's completely frustrating and hard and persevering. It's struggle and strife all wrapped into a soft cast, a painful post foot operation feeling and buried between feeling like someone sliced open my foot and is trying to break the bones in half. I think once the pain is gone I'll be able to focus more on the pause of life part that it brings and less on the agony, the horrible, terrible agony that i feel every day, more so as I try to put weight on it and walk around the house (with my crutches). Oh, I'll probably consider it more of a pause of life when I can leave the house and see the beautiful California sun (which will be gone when I can get out). I also can't take a shower without my mother's help. I can't wash dishes, cook food, get a drink of the refrigerator, can't put a movie in the DVD player unless I carry it between my teeth.

What I thought was a break from life turned out to be more humbling than I anticipated...I knew it would be humbling, but the last time my parents served me was in middle school when I was mugged. Ever since then, even before then, as the oldest, I don't really remember a time when I wasn't helping out around the house, even sometimes putting the spaghetti sauce away for the babysitter that forgot.

Not being able to exercise is harder than I thought as well. Not just because I mentally or emotionally need it but because my body is so tense and so sore and so knotted up from bed rest that all i want to do is go for a run and run it out. Plus, I minus the natural things that exercise did for my body. Having been so active ever since I was born and never really taking a break from it, my system is going crazy (those are probably details I should leave out in a public blog).

Not being able to drive is a pain too. My parents are mostly annoyed that their errand-running-youngest-daughter's-chauffuer is out of commission and that they are back to doing everything. Which I guess is understandable if you've had extra drivers to help you do things for the last 8 years and now all of a sudden, you have none.

I'm trying to figure out how it's a break from life when it seems to just be a struggle. Where is the pause? I feel like a broken record, a skipping DVD that just can't seem to find where it should start again.

All I feel is pain

As I sit here, it's 3:06 a.m. I am waiting until 3:20 a.m. so that i can take painkillers and go back to sleep. Thursday was bunion obliteration day. Now, all I feel is intense, achy pain. It doesn't shoot all the time. Sometimes it's constantly shooting, where as if I haven't taken painkillers, it starts to shoot, I start to get tears in my eyes because it's so completely unbearable. 

A part of me does not understand why I did this. Why I went from perfectly good shape and healthy condition to perfectly shitty shape and lame condition? This illustration demonstrates perfectly what my foot looked liked and what it should have looked like. Truth is, once healed correctly and completely, I will be in better physical shape than before. Translation: I might be able to run triathlons without worrying about unnecessary foot pain or hike large mountains without having to be hindered physically. Did I even notice how much it hindered me until recently? 

I think I got fairly use to the pain and use to the problem that I was able to ignore it. After I went to the doctor, I started to acknowledge every time it hurt--And it hurt A LOT. Every time i was at the gym and it was painful for me to run or when it hurts to jump. I started to realize that it does hurt a lot and it does hinder me from my athletic potential. 

But now all i feel is the pain as i try to remember all the promises. It hurts so bad sometimes I want to cry. And I can't do anything, which might be even more painfully humbling than the pain itself. Having to ask for help to do even the smallest task like making breakfast to getting tucked into bed to watching TV to taking a bath. 

If God was tired of me asking for forgiveness for my pride, He chose the right thing for me to be humbled in. That's for sure. And if he wanted me to learn to cry out to him, to depend on others--to solidify all the lessons I've been learning this past year, well He chose the right thing for me. That's for sure.

Tomorrow!

My surgery is tomorrow morning at 7:30!

The Calling Voice

Just added six new stories to Crissa's Website The Calling Voice. Please check it out if you have a few minutes. Her photos are amazing and her stories are incredible, and I'm not saying that just because I'm bias...they really are!