The Older Brother Syndrome

Back in the 90s, Matthew Fox was famous for his stint as resident good big brother Charlie Salinger. Charlie had to quit his job and move home to take care of his four siblings when his parents were tragically killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. Charlie was the prime example of the older brother, similar to the prodigal father story found in the bible. Charlie had to leave his entire life behind to serve his family and to take care of his siblings, raising them, teaching them and being their legal guardian. His life, as he knew it, as he dreamed of it being, cease to exist.

I have been reading this book, Experiencing Father's Embrace by Jack Frost.

If you want a book that will change your life, it's this one. It takes about the Father's love, what often keeps us from receiving that love and how we can position our hearts in a way to receive the Father's love. Chapter 5 is about the Older Brother Syndrome from the story of the Prodigal Father. The older brother was the one who was hurt and resentful because his younger, rebellious brother received his father's joyous welcoming, including the fattest cafe available. This chapter talks about how easy it is to fall into a spirit of legalism, of religious-ness and how when we do, we become like the older brother. We in turn sign against love because when we are too concerned pride, jealousy and self-righteousness and instead of seeing the hurt and the lost the way that God sees them, we see them with judgement, criticism and pride. We see how we can be better than someone because we need to be the best that we can to be able to receive God's love. That's a lie. We are given God's for no reason, simply because he loves us. But so often we fall into this self-righteous, prideful, envious attitude where we believe that we have to do certain things, be them spiritual or ministerial acts or financial success and accolades to have God's approval, love and blessing.

"The older brother syndrome creates its own cycle that takes the sincere but gullible participant down a subtle path of self-destruction that, if left unchecked, ultimately leads to a cold heart void of love, tenderness, or compassion. The key to breaking the cycle is to recognize the symptoms early enough to thwart its development. The sins of the older brother can cause severe damage in the Church if allowed to continue, because the sins against love and compassion are the most harmful to needy people seeking forgiveness and healing. It is a great tragedy when wayward younger brothers and sisters who are on the verge of repentance and restoration to the Father are shut out by self-righteousness of those who profess the name of Christ.

As soon as the older brother or good son drifts away from the father's house because of a negative attitude of self-love, jealousy, or judgmentalism, an emotional and spiritual distance is immediately created between him and his Father. any distance from God's love will gradually gravitate to law and legalism, and it will lead to feelings of insecurity because it is the unconditional acceptance of the Father that gives our true value and self-worth."

"Deeply intimate relationships with other people are possibly only between individuals who are secure in God's love, because the foundation of such relationships is love, trust, and commitment. As soon as distance from God's unconditional love and insecurity begins to occur, intimacy with others become very difficult because we treat others in the way we feel about ourselves. Whatever we feel that we have to do to feel valued by God, then others will have to do the same to feel valued by us."

"The real problem comes when we believe that to truly be accepted, or important in life, we must be the one to earn it. If we aren't able to achieve what we believe we must, we may begin to judge ourselves...And finally, because of the guilt that we feel for coming up short, we put on a cloak of defensiveness and judgementalism, and the need to be right becomes more important than fostering healthy relationships."

"The love of God is a gift; it is free and undeserved. There is nothing you can do to be loved by Him any more than you already are. And there is nothing you can do to lessen His love. God's love is unconditional, but if it is not experienced on a level that brings healing to the childhood hurt and anger at not feeling unconditionally love, a resentment and critical attitude is often the result. when that childhood frustration encounters the laws and rules of religion, an environment is created in which the older brother syndrome may flourish."

New foot, new me!

This is my bunion this summer, right when I got back from traveling through Hawaii, then to DC and NYC, back to LA and then hopping over to SF. After a month of traveling it really began to ache and I dreaded the thought that maybe all of the walking in boots (because they weighed too much to fit into my suitcase and at one point got thrown in a trash can) lugging my suitcase around cities had begun to take a tool on my poor footsy! So I decided, being the dutiful photographer that I am, I should take a picture and document what size it was so that I could tell if it was growing.

I'm sure it grew larger than this before I decide to get surgery, considering my September x-rays from one doctor were defunct to my January x-rays from another doctor. Pretty disgusting, yes?

So I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm in pain all the time. I'm restless. I'm useless. It's pretty annoying 2 1/2 weeks into it. But I know there is a plan and a purpose for this time--I'm just trying to figure out what that is.

I did come to the realization tonight that I just got a new foot. I've been trying to find a way to solidify and mark this new me--the one who has purpose and passion--and I just realized not only am I a new me, but I got a new foot to show for it (and soon, a tattoo). I got a new foot to take me to new heights and on a new journey, a new adventure--one I never really expected, one I never really believed I could have until now.

So here's to marking the end of a chapter. A redemption chapter. A story filled with character and triumph and heart break and loneliness and perseverance and grace and truth and spirit and victory!

Skipping DVD

My bunion obliteration surgery has given me a 6-week pause of life. On the one hand, it's completely frustrating and hard and persevering. It's struggle and strife all wrapped into a soft cast, a painful post foot operation feeling and buried between feeling like someone sliced open my foot and is trying to break the bones in half. I think once the pain is gone I'll be able to focus more on the pause of life part that it brings and less on the agony, the horrible, terrible agony that i feel every day, more so as I try to put weight on it and walk around the house (with my crutches). Oh, I'll probably consider it more of a pause of life when I can leave the house and see the beautiful California sun (which will be gone when I can get out). I also can't take a shower without my mother's help. I can't wash dishes, cook food, get a drink of the refrigerator, can't put a movie in the DVD player unless I carry it between my teeth.

What I thought was a break from life turned out to be more humbling than I anticipated...I knew it would be humbling, but the last time my parents served me was in middle school when I was mugged. Ever since then, even before then, as the oldest, I don't really remember a time when I wasn't helping out around the house, even sometimes putting the spaghetti sauce away for the babysitter that forgot.

Not being able to exercise is harder than I thought as well. Not just because I mentally or emotionally need it but because my body is so tense and so sore and so knotted up from bed rest that all i want to do is go for a run and run it out. Plus, I minus the natural things that exercise did for my body. Having been so active ever since I was born and never really taking a break from it, my system is going crazy (those are probably details I should leave out in a public blog).

Not being able to drive is a pain too. My parents are mostly annoyed that their errand-running-youngest-daughter's-chauffuer is out of commission and that they are back to doing everything. Which I guess is understandable if you've had extra drivers to help you do things for the last 8 years and now all of a sudden, you have none.

I'm trying to figure out how it's a break from life when it seems to just be a struggle. Where is the pause? I feel like a broken record, a skipping DVD that just can't seem to find where it should start again.

All I feel is pain

As I sit here, it's 3:06 a.m. I am waiting until 3:20 a.m. so that i can take painkillers and go back to sleep. Thursday was bunion obliteration day. Now, all I feel is intense, achy pain. It doesn't shoot all the time. Sometimes it's constantly shooting, where as if I haven't taken painkillers, it starts to shoot, I start to get tears in my eyes because it's so completely unbearable. 

A part of me does not understand why I did this. Why I went from perfectly good shape and healthy condition to perfectly shitty shape and lame condition? This illustration demonstrates perfectly what my foot looked liked and what it should have looked like. Truth is, once healed correctly and completely, I will be in better physical shape than before. Translation: I might be able to run triathlons without worrying about unnecessary foot pain or hike large mountains without having to be hindered physically. Did I even notice how much it hindered me until recently? 

I think I got fairly use to the pain and use to the problem that I was able to ignore it. After I went to the doctor, I started to acknowledge every time it hurt--And it hurt A LOT. Every time i was at the gym and it was painful for me to run or when it hurts to jump. I started to realize that it does hurt a lot and it does hinder me from my athletic potential. 

But now all i feel is the pain as i try to remember all the promises. It hurts so bad sometimes I want to cry. And I can't do anything, which might be even more painfully humbling than the pain itself. Having to ask for help to do even the smallest task like making breakfast to getting tucked into bed to watching TV to taking a bath. 

If God was tired of me asking for forgiveness for my pride, He chose the right thing for me to be humbled in. That's for sure. And if he wanted me to learn to cry out to him, to depend on others--to solidify all the lessons I've been learning this past year, well He chose the right thing for me. That's for sure.

Tomorrow!

My surgery is tomorrow morning at 7:30!

The Calling Voice

Just added six new stories to Crissa's Website The Calling Voice. Please check it out if you have a few minutes. Her photos are amazing and her stories are incredible, and I'm not saying that just because I'm bias...they really are!

Thankful

I'm incredibly thankful for all the people God has placed in my life. This week of surgery prep has just once again made it incredibly obvious how many people care and love me and I am so grateful to God! I know that I complain a lot over why I'm still in LA and I lament a lot and I'm pissed off and frustrated and disappointed a lot but it's times like this--when I remember what I was like before and who I was before the last year and a half--and I am so grateful for this time of growth and time of grace and time of love. And I have the bestest friend ever for sticking it through with me--it's more than I could ever have asked for from anyone, even God. Seriously, true friends are made through life--through the good times AND the bad, through pain and tears and frustrations and hurts--And I'm so thankful for the bond and the love that God placed between us to keep us together.

I had the amazing opportunity to shoot family photos of April and Donvanan and their 8-month-old son Journey. They are part of my Foursquare family and I miss them all so much!

Here's a little sneak. See the rest on my photo blog.