Skipping DVD

My bunion obliteration surgery has given me a 6-week pause of life. On the one hand, it's completely frustrating and hard and persevering. It's struggle and strife all wrapped into a soft cast, a painful post foot operation feeling and buried between feeling like someone sliced open my foot and is trying to break the bones in half. I think once the pain is gone I'll be able to focus more on the pause of life part that it brings and less on the agony, the horrible, terrible agony that i feel every day, more so as I try to put weight on it and walk around the house (with my crutches). Oh, I'll probably consider it more of a pause of life when I can leave the house and see the beautiful California sun (which will be gone when I can get out). I also can't take a shower without my mother's help. I can't wash dishes, cook food, get a drink of the refrigerator, can't put a movie in the DVD player unless I carry it between my teeth.

What I thought was a break from life turned out to be more humbling than I anticipated...I knew it would be humbling, but the last time my parents served me was in middle school when I was mugged. Ever since then, even before then, as the oldest, I don't really remember a time when I wasn't helping out around the house, even sometimes putting the spaghetti sauce away for the babysitter that forgot.

Not being able to exercise is harder than I thought as well. Not just because I mentally or emotionally need it but because my body is so tense and so sore and so knotted up from bed rest that all i want to do is go for a run and run it out. Plus, I minus the natural things that exercise did for my body. Having been so active ever since I was born and never really taking a break from it, my system is going crazy (those are probably details I should leave out in a public blog).

Not being able to drive is a pain too. My parents are mostly annoyed that their errand-running-youngest-daughter's-chauffuer is out of commission and that they are back to doing everything. Which I guess is understandable if you've had extra drivers to help you do things for the last 8 years and now all of a sudden, you have none.

I'm trying to figure out how it's a break from life when it seems to just be a struggle. Where is the pause? I feel like a broken record, a skipping DVD that just can't seem to find where it should start again.

All I feel is pain

As I sit here, it's 3:06 a.m. I am waiting until 3:20 a.m. so that i can take painkillers and go back to sleep. Thursday was bunion obliteration day. Now, all I feel is intense, achy pain. It doesn't shoot all the time. Sometimes it's constantly shooting, where as if I haven't taken painkillers, it starts to shoot, I start to get tears in my eyes because it's so completely unbearable. 

A part of me does not understand why I did this. Why I went from perfectly good shape and healthy condition to perfectly shitty shape and lame condition? This illustration demonstrates perfectly what my foot looked liked and what it should have looked like. Truth is, once healed correctly and completely, I will be in better physical shape than before. Translation: I might be able to run triathlons without worrying about unnecessary foot pain or hike large mountains without having to be hindered physically. Did I even notice how much it hindered me until recently? 

I think I got fairly use to the pain and use to the problem that I was able to ignore it. After I went to the doctor, I started to acknowledge every time it hurt--And it hurt A LOT. Every time i was at the gym and it was painful for me to run or when it hurts to jump. I started to realize that it does hurt a lot and it does hinder me from my athletic potential. 

But now all i feel is the pain as i try to remember all the promises. It hurts so bad sometimes I want to cry. And I can't do anything, which might be even more painfully humbling than the pain itself. Having to ask for help to do even the smallest task like making breakfast to getting tucked into bed to watching TV to taking a bath. 

If God was tired of me asking for forgiveness for my pride, He chose the right thing for me to be humbled in. That's for sure. And if he wanted me to learn to cry out to him, to depend on others--to solidify all the lessons I've been learning this past year, well He chose the right thing for me. That's for sure.

Tomorrow!

My surgery is tomorrow morning at 7:30!

The Calling Voice

Just added six new stories to Crissa's Website The Calling Voice. Please check it out if you have a few minutes. Her photos are amazing and her stories are incredible, and I'm not saying that just because I'm bias...they really are!

Thankful

I'm incredibly thankful for all the people God has placed in my life. This week of surgery prep has just once again made it incredibly obvious how many people care and love me and I am so grateful to God! I know that I complain a lot over why I'm still in LA and I lament a lot and I'm pissed off and frustrated and disappointed a lot but it's times like this--when I remember what I was like before and who I was before the last year and a half--and I am so grateful for this time of growth and time of grace and time of love. And I have the bestest friend ever for sticking it through with me--it's more than I could ever have asked for from anyone, even God. Seriously, true friends are made through life--through the good times AND the bad, through pain and tears and frustrations and hurts--And I'm so thankful for the bond and the love that God placed between us to keep us together.

I had the amazing opportunity to shoot family photos of April and Donvanan and their 8-month-old son Journey. They are part of my Foursquare family and I miss them all so much!

Here's a little sneak. See the rest on my photo blog.

Bunion Surgery...Eeeck!

For those of you who I haven't talked in a while, I hope this finds you well. Yesterday, I decided to go ahead with bunion surgery on my left foot. The surgery will take place at 9:30 am on Thursday, February 11. Please, please, please be contending for me during this time. I would very much appreciate it! 

Essentially, Dr. Thomas Harris will be cutting the big toe bone partially in half and inserting a tiny metal plate into the gap to realign my big toe bone. He then will shave down the the protruding bone around my toe. I will be lightly sedated and my foot will be completely numb and the nerves blocked for 12-16 hours. My foot will be in a split and I will be on 48-hour bed rest, only allowed to get up to do the "necessities" and heavily medicated because the procedure is quite painful. Then, for the next 6 weeks, I will be on crutches and on very minimal activity as the incision heals and at the very end of that period able to swim. Afterwards, I will have to under go little physical therapy and should be able to walk/run/hike 12 weeks after the surgery. 

This was a very difficult decision because I have never been inactive for more than week or so ever since I was born. The thought of taking it easy is a new and challenging one for me, that's for sure! 

Please pray: 

1. For a complication-free surgery and for God to guide the eyes and hands of Dr. Harris. 

2. For a complete and fast complication-free, infection-free recovery and healing (that I'm not too clumsy or spastic!). 

3. For deep, intimate and new times with Father God, increasing, strengthening and deepening my relationship with him. A renewed sense of trust, hope and faith in the Lord.

4. For patience and rest, mental and emotional health as I rest and relax for 3 months. 

5. God will bless this increased time with family and friends and that I will return to better physical health then before. 

New lens

I bought a new portrait lens. It was incredible expensive but it's suppose to be amazing. I took a few test shots last night with it before realizing I don't have a filter to protect the lens and putting away and they were amazing!

It was a hard decision because while I've been shooting a lot and have been asked to shoot a lot, I've also been trying to save money to leave California and this definitely put a damper into that. But I have been doing a ton of portrait shots and I needed a more professional camera for it with a better F stop (this one has  f1.8!) so I know it was totally worth it but it's hard, very hard.

It's hard to be content and be OK with the place that I'm at with life. I feel like I should be doing more or at least, if not, be more settled in life. It's hard to be in the crossroad for so long and not think that when I get out of here then I'll be happy. That's definitely not true. I am very happy. But it's easy to fall into a thought process of discontentment and dissatisfaction and lose peace. It's hard because I feel like I'm on the brink of something BIG but I need and want to stay in a place of the moment, a place of the present, a place of contentment and peace and not think that when I get to B then I'll be better than where I am in A. Make sense?