Fake vs. Real

You ever been fake to someone?

Oh, come on, if you're reading this and we met in LA, Pasadena or Azusa--most likely you've been fake. I've been fake. I'm ashamed to admit, but you should just admit it too. I'm the last person that can judge.

I often do things because I feel obligated. Or I feel sorry for the person. I have this terrible savior-complex, think of Ryan in the OC, trying to save Marissa everytime she got in trouble. It's tragic flaw (Well, I have a lot of those, I'll admit that too.) Or I can't say "no." Or I hate letting people down (we've covered that one already). Or I want to be perfect--the perfect friend to be exact. I don't like failure. I don't like losing. I don't like being second best. It's many different tragic reasons. Whatever it is, hypocritically for the last 22 years that's what I've been--fake.

I use to hate fake people. I judged them. I despised them. I gossiped about them. I slammed them (I'm really not making myself look good on this post...). I was clever and conniving. I was bitter and resentful. I was hurt and angry. I was afraid and insecure. There's a million reasons why I use to do it.

I didn't trust people. I didn't trust God. So therefore I didn't really love people. I didn't really love God. And I didn't really let others love me. So therefore I didn't really let God love me.

I just realized I was what I hated. I became my own worse enemy at some point. I became the person who hurt me the most. I became the betrayer, the back stabber, the faker, the false friend--how did it happen? How did I become what I swore never to be?

You ever been faked to? I have. It sucks. And it sucks even more when you realize you were faked to. Been there, done that. And I'm learning now how to change that. How to stand up for myself. How to have security in who I am and who I know God has made me to be. Have security and strength and support in who I am--really, deeply--am and not be afraid to stand up for me. For what I want to do. For what I need to do. For what my life is suppose to be and how it needs to be lived and how I keep pursing God and pursing his plans.

And by faking it. By not being bold enough, strong enough, courageous enough to stand up for myself. I'm not standing up for God. I'm not standing up for his love, his plan, his will. When I fake it, I'm just pretend cause I'm afraid so I'm not trusting God. I fake it because I don't want to hurt people or I don't want to mess things up or I just want things to be perfect. None of that is actively seeking God's will, actively seeking God's plan and having faith and trusting him.

God didn't promise this life to be easy. He didn't promise this life to always be fun. But he said, by pressing on toward the goal God has called me to, I will continue to pursue him and pursue his plan. I won't always get things right, but taking the risk is a hell of a lot better than playing it safe on the sidelines and faking that everything's okay.

Personal Essays Suck

I wish I could pay someone to write this for me.

Any takers?

****

One website says: "Writing your personal statement can be one of the most satisfying--or frustrating--writing experiences you'll ever have."


I would definitely go with the MOST FRUSTRATING experience I've ever had.

Stressed

Not entirely sure how I'm going to get everything done...

I still have this to do:

1.) Epicentre Logo

2.) Dr. Chin Website

3.) Portfolio website

4.) Learn after effects

5.) create two motion videos

6.) write personal statement

7.) get rec letters

8.) get transcripts

9.) fill out applications

10.) assemble portfolio discs

11.) paints canvases for RISD

TOO MUCH TO DO.

Give Thanks

I'M THANKFUL FOR...

1. Healing & Restoration only possible through Christ.

It started out with counseling and Cleaning Stream and it was really unexpected the transformation that happened. I developed a genuine, real deep relationship with Jesus Christ. One that isn't just take, but give and take. One that isn't just me throwing prayers at him, but actually praying for people and giving them up to God. It started out with sorting through self-hatred and ended with dealing with fear, insecurity, anger, loneliness and criticism.

2. Surrendering everything to Jesus. 
After being completely broken by Christ, I still tried and insisted on living life independently from God. Then he really wrecked my life, forcing me to spend another year at home while my closest friends moved on and moved out (of CA and the US). Jesus wrecked my life. It's a phrase coined by Shane Claiborne, but I believe it to be true for my life. I needed to get to a place where I surrendered EVERY part of myself, my heart and even my relationships to Jesus. Surrender my past, my present and my future. Surrender. Submit. Let God take the wheel. Stop trying to dictate or control or influence the plan that I believed I needed to be on.

3. Giving God complete control--And trusting him with all my heart. 
At one point I came to the realization that by not receiving the love and trusting my friends, then I'm not receiving God's love and trusting him completely. I'm still, by default, trying to do things all on my own. I had to repent for my pride and my need to control and my stubbornness and my lack of trust in him and just trust him. And trust him with everything--life plans, family safety and well being, friends and most importantly my heart (that he will protect it, grow it, heal it, and so on). In order to receive God's love and fully believe in the goodness of God, I need to be able to receive the people he's put into my life and receive the love that they give me.

4. Saying goodbye to perfectionism & needing to meet people's expectations.
By now, if you're reading this, I would assume you're a pretty loyal follower (hopefully). So I will painfully admit that in the last three months I've had six breakdowns. That's six more than I had in the first 23 years of my life. But it feels wonderful after I've realized the emotion. And I've finally realized that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be the perfect friend. I don't have to be the perfect worker. I don't have to be the perfect daughters. My relationships won't be perfect. My friendships won't be perfect. I won't be perfect. The only perfect person is Jesus. I've given up trying to be perfect and trying to meet everyone's expectations and listening to them. I've just got to be me, be who I believe Jesus has created me to be and follow my God-given destiny.

5. A life of freedom--free of fear, insecurity, depression, darkness, low self-worth and low self-confidence
I want to say that it wasn't a cure-all, but I actually, in retrospect, think it was. In Cleansing Stream, we dove through our issues, prayed healing prayers over them, repented for the ways we let them get out of control. Later, I went through all the issues and circumstances and struggles I had in my life and sorted through my emotions and my hurts and my fears throughout them. A few of you know I've struggled with depression for quite a while. I've struggled with fear. With insecurity. With darkness. With low self-confidence. Low self-worth. And those things aren't something I struggle with anymore. I'm confident in my work. I'm confident of walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation with them. I'm confident and fearless and a dreamer finally. I know what I must do to live my life. And it's being confident, not prideful. Confident. Secure. Fearless. In Jesus. First and foremost in Jesus and then everything else falls into place. Confident. Secure. Fearless. In the love Jesus has for me and in the goodness that God is. I can confidently live a life without fear because I'm secure in Jesus. 

6. Heart & head alignment. 
Even though these last few months have been incredibly hard, I know they served a purpose. I finally got a chance to align my head and my heart. I've been non-stop overachieving since summer 2007 when I interned at ESPN. Since then, I've known that the industry wasn't my dream or my job, but I still was semi-pursuing it because I thought that's what I wanted and what my parents wanted for me. For the last couple of months, I've gotten to do what I have yet to really do while living in LA: enjoy life. I've painted. I've worked out. I've enjoyed myself. And I've been able to figure myself out and figure out what I love doing and how that plays into what I want to do with my life. I love to design things. I love to create things for social impact, but at the same time I love to travel and I detest DETEST desk jobs. And I never want to work in the industry and have to deal with the drama and the crap and everything, I just want to make a difference. I want to create something that changes the world. I don't have the completely solution yet, but I'm one step closer.

7. I have wonderful, amazing friends. 
Self-explanatory. But I'm incredibly blessed. God is good.

8. Freelance. God is good. 

There was a time where I had no work, no drive, no purpose, no motivation this year. Karen looked at me and told me I needed to pursue something and stop slumming around. But I had absolutely no goal in mind and on top of that no God to direct me. I was angry at him. I was burnt out and angry and frustrated and absolutely mad at him--but didn't realize it cause it was all pent up and hidden inside of me. But then I figured it out. Then I realized I needed to live life with God, not independently from him, but actually truly just trust him with ALL of my life. And the jobs poured in. The photography and the design and the websites. And then grad school applications. God is good. He always protects, always provides, always pursues.

9. Lucky to be living at home. 

It gets tough, no doubt. But I'm blessed to just be able to live at home. Plus, I have no job and have no money to pay rent--that definitely helps.

10. The Dodgers made the playoffs again.

Things I learned after Thanksgiving

1. I need to move away.
2. I need to move away.
3. I need to move away.
4. I need to move away.
5. I need to move away.
6. I need to move away.
7. I need to move away.
8. I need to move away.
9. I need to move away.
10. I need to move away.

Happy by Leona Lewis

This is precisely how I feel and what I think about my life right now :)

Please see the Blind side

The Blind side is an incredible tale of Michael Olher and what he overcame to make it to the NFL and how the love and support of an adopted family helped him get there. It's probably the best Christmas movie of the year. You must go see it, especially if you love football!

But it's not really a sports movie as much as it an inspirational tale of what happens when you love someone and when you receive love and support from the people around you. It will change your life. It's always changed mine.