Happy by Leona Lewis

This is precisely how I feel and what I think about my life right now :)

Please see the Blind side

The Blind side is an incredible tale of Michael Olher and what he overcame to make it to the NFL and how the love and support of an adopted family helped him get there. It's probably the best Christmas movie of the year. You must go see it, especially if you love football!

But it's not really a sports movie as much as it an inspirational tale of what happens when you love someone and when you receive love and support from the people around you. It will change your life. It's always changed mine.

I'm a people pleaser

I'm a people pleaser. I hate hurting people's feelings. I always do what's best for the other person. I prefer to make life easier for everyone. I don't like when people get upset, when they're mad at me. I care a little too much about what other people think. I try to be perfect. I try to not upset the balance or the equilibrium. I am the quintessential Asian. I don't like conflict or messes or fights and I prefer that I myself suffer over someone else.

So my brain is being wrecked at this moment. I don't doubt that I made the right decision for myself. But it seems strange, almost abnormal and estranged, that the decision seems to be the best one for myself. It's taken a lot of growth to get to this point. Often times I have killed myself slaving over things for other people--whether it's a little thing or a big thing--people come first. Giving comes before receiving. Others before myself. Selflessness versus selfishness. Humility over pride. Satisfaction over happiness. I could go on...

I don't doubt that I didn't, without prayer and wisdom, make the right decision. I'm just having a hard time with it because I'm such a people pleaser. Which only goes to show more that I made the right decision. I am having a hard time because I couldn't be perfect. I couldn't be the perfect you-fill-in-the-blank. And on top of that, this drastically affects the way that people view me, the way they talk about me, the way they will refer to me in the future.

I am an obnoxious, obsessive compulsive people pleaser. It's terrible and tragic. And not only am I people pleaser, but I like to be liked. I like to be entertained. I like to have something to do on a Friday night. I like to be busy. I like to be surrounded by people as much as possible.

Tragic flaw?

Quite possibly. If the last couple weeks have taught me anything, it might just be that I'm human. I'm prideful and conceited, I'm insecure and afraid, and I'm seriously self-involved. I like winning others over way too much and care too little until I'm in deep shit. I might even go so far as to say I don't love as many people as I should--Or I have an extremely hard time with grace and love and mercy once people start to drive me insanely crazy.

That might also constitute as a tragic flaw. I know I had to do what I did (and wouldn't you like to know what that was). I know that. God's confirmed it. But I still feel so bad about it. I feel like a let down, an imperfect let down and that's not really the greatest feeling in the world.

But I suppose it's time I felt that feeling, once and for all.

sometimes the hardest thing & the right thing are the same

I've come to the conclusion, or at least I hope I have come to the right conclusion, that sometimes the right thing to do isn't always the easiest.

Today I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do--I said, "No."

If you know me, if you really truly know me, you know how incredibly hard it was for me to do. Even if I knew, even if I believed it was the right thing to do, five seconds before I did it, I was freaking out inside. My heart was pounding outside my chest. My knees were shaking. My blood racing.

I've never said "No" to anyone or anything thing really.

But I've had to learn boundaries recently. Emotional boundaries and actual, literal boundaries. Mental boundaries. In the last few weeks, my entire life has surrounded my inability to see my own boundaries and to use them correctly--whether it be emotionally, mentally and/or physically.

Today, I paid the price for that. So did a few other people. It was hard. Incredibly, excruciatingly hard but I realized, a few weeks ago, in order to fully obey God and continue on the path and plan that he has for me, I had to say no. Sometimes saying no isn't always saying yes to everything we think we're suppose to say yes to. Sometimes you have to put boundaries. Sometimes you have to be able to look at your life and see your own limitations. Sometimes you have to put other people, important people in your life, completely and utterly in the hands of God.

I can't be the perfect friend. I can't be the perfect worker. I can't be the perfect daughter. And I just have to trust God that he will not only be there for those important people when I can't, but that his goodness, his grace and his mercy surround them at all times.

God is so powerful. So good. So amazing. I can't testify that enough. The more that I continue to act like god in my own life, the more that I struggle. And the more that I continue to act like god in other peoples' lives, the more that they will struggle. I can't be everything. I can't really be anything. Only God can.

So today I had to say "No" because I know that the path that "yes" leads to is one I cannot take because it's not the path that God has me on and if I continue to say yes, if I continue to kill myself for my friends like I always have. I will just end up burnt out--or worse. I give and I give and I give and I don't need anything in return, but at the same time, I end up just incredible exhausted and worn out, unable to give because there is nothing to give from.

Saying No not only made sure that I'm keeping healthy emotional and mental boundaries, but it's also truly giving God what's most important to me--my friends. I trust God with so much but at the same time with so little. I trust him with my future, but not with my present. I ask him to provide community and close kindred spirits, but I don't surrender to him the lives of my friends. I trust God with myself and with my heart but not with my friends and their hearts.

Life is shorter than we realize

I know that life is short. We are told that all the time. It's drilled into our heads. Life is short. Kiss the ones you love at night before you go to bed. Think of the ones you love first thing in the morning. Life. Is. Short.

Live like you were dying. Live like today is your last day. Live like today is your only day. You never know when someone will be gone tomorrow. You. Never. Freaking. Know.

A good friend of mine just lost her sister. Her sister died unexpectedly due to complications with an infection. Suddenly. Just like that. Life is birth. Life is lost. Life is given. Life is taken away.

You. Never. Freaking. Know.

Life is shorter than we realize. It comes quicker and ends faster than we want to believe. We take it for granted. We send off the ones we love. We leave the ones we love. We travel. We live. We function. We love. We believe. We hope. All with the thought that there will be another day--we just exist as if there will be another day. But what happens when there's not? What happens when there's some close to us in our lives who doesn't get another day?

Tragedy comes. And tragedy goes. Kiss the ones you love everyday. Hug the ones you love everyday. Tell them you love them every chance you get. Life is shorter than we realize. You. Never. Freaking. Know.

Don't Hit and Run!

This 18-inch dent was from a hit and run accident in the parking lot at Dodger Stadium at Game 1 of the NLCS series back in October. It cost $2,000 to fix and is actually on both the passenger side doors.

I was thankful to not have been driving when it happened. And thankful that my car was not worse off than it was. It's long story and God is faithful and redeeming.

I had a guardian angel looking after me in the form of a witness and his son. They saw the incident, wrote down the guys license plate and model of his car and left a note on my dashboard and someone else wrote it on my back window. He said there was at least 5 other parties who witnessed the ordeal. Crazy. God is good. Wow.

Anyway, the next night I had to go to the police station in Silver Lake to file a police report. Probably the most nerve wrecking 45-minutes of my life, especially when two police officers game in with what seemed like a warrant thinking that I had hit and run someone...or maybe I was just too too nervous sitting in the break room being questioned by a cop.

This afternoon I received a letter following up on the accident (they phoned me yesterday to let me know that the driver of the other car had been identified and came in and confessed to the collision) but this letter says that the City Attorney filed a hit and run on the party that hit me.

Wow. I didn't really think that this could be happen/would happen. Just goes to show you don't hit and run since the driver is looking at either jail time or cal trans work, depending on what he pleas after the court hearing.

Wow.

Ephesians 4:2-3, 15-16

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.


Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.


I got so much crap coming out of my ears, it's ridiculous! Pray for me! 

Just one part of my bedroom composed of to-do lists...