Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you

Save me, I’m lost
Oh Lord, I’ve been waiting for you
I’ll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I’m wrong
I can’t do better than this
I’ll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I’m looking for
- "Show me what I'm looking for" Carolina Liar


I haven't been able to blog for a while, for several different reasons. The first being technical. My browser was interacting funky with blogspot. Second because I plainly didn't feel like it. Sorry, it's the truth.

So I didn't get into grad school.

This wasn't just a blow to the ego, it was a blow to my heart. A sharp, sharp blow of disappointment, anger, frustration, hurt, and pain. Especially when I was already at a place of doubting where I was suppose to be heading and where I thought I was suppose to be going. Stuck on a couch for 6 weeks does plenty to the mind as well as the body. I was angry and pissed off and I cried alot and I sat around depressed and watched 3 season of Chuck in a weekend. I was lost and confused and frustrated. I didn't want to move--in fear that if I did I would just encounter more disappointment, more hurt, more sadness.

But I can tell you this, now that I'm on the other side. God is good. Beyond anything and everything I ever imagined. Beyond rhyme and reason. Beyond faith and failure. Beyond limitations and achievements. God is good. This I know for certain.

Colt McCoy said, after the Longhorns lost of the BCS Championship, "I always give God the glory. I never question why things happen the way they do. God is in control of my life, and I know that, if nothing else, I'm standing on the rock."

It's true. For the last 3 months, living in uncertainty and doped up on painkillers, one thing has rung true--I'm standing on the rock and God is in control. My foot has healed to almost perfect condition. There were no complications. No unforeseeable problems. Nothing. And while the first six weeks were painful, now that I'm on the last six weeks, it's hard to remember the pain at all. (Ok, that's a lie).

Truth of the matter is this: God is good. God is beyond good. Oh how he loves us. His love just overwhelms me.

I recently turned down a job with Invisible Children. I've wanted experience with a non-profit so bad. I've wanted to be out of LA. I've wanted to find community. I've wanted. I've wanted. I've wanted. Sometimes what we want--often times--what we want clouds what we really need, what our hearts truly desire. I turned it down because it was unpaid. They countered with a "small stipend." But by then I had already decided to change my attitude and work with a few friends who already started a design business doing exactly what I want to do with my life--except for the fact that they are based in LA. I also decided that while it's important to work this summer for a non-profit, what's more important is to spend time with my friends and my family. For the first time in my life, I decided to pick friends and family and Jesus over work, over success, over reputation and skill and growing my talents (which who is to say I still can't do that while focused more so on my friends). And how amazing was it to tell my best friend that I pick her over one of my latest-get-famous-quick-job-opportunities and to hear her shock, her excitement, her joy that finally, maybe just finally, I was getting things right.

That started the ball of blessing rolling. It's funny how small decisions, small attitude adjustments open us up to seeing a world of difference and to seeing how Jesus is right there in front of us.

I recently returned from a work trip in Hawaii where I got to shoot photographs of construction sites all over the island, on army bases and on housing complexes and wear a hard hat and steel toed boots and be all legit. I'm designing a website for one of the top electrical companies on the island and that just simply astounds me. God astounds. God ridiculously, continuously puts me at awe. I'm blown away by his love, his mercy, his grace, his goodness.

And while it's still painful to know that I didn't get into the school of my dreams, painful to think about living in NYC again and walking those streets listening to the hum of passing cars and the honking of angry taxes as a dream still put on hold, I get it God. For the first time, I think I might actually get it. It's all about right now, but it's not having all of it right now. And God is in control. He gave me dreams and desires and passions, but he didn't give them all to me for this moment. Life's a marathon, not a sprint, after all.

And while I might feel like I'm not going anywhere. While I might look at myself and see living at home, following my dreams of becoming a graphic designer not entirely the way I mapped it out. While I might see the late night questions, the implied curfews, the roommate-less situation as something that is hindering me from MY plan, truth of the matter is I'm still on God's plan. I'm still following him. And that's really all I can do. All we can do is follow God, pursue God, press into God--and he does the rest. We can't do more, he doesn't ask for more--it's all he wants and it's all we need to do.

The Older Brother Syndrome

Back in the 90s, Matthew Fox was famous for his stint as resident good big brother Charlie Salinger. Charlie had to quit his job and move home to take care of his four siblings when his parents were tragically killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. Charlie was the prime example of the older brother, similar to the prodigal father story found in the bible. Charlie had to leave his entire life behind to serve his family and to take care of his siblings, raising them, teaching them and being their legal guardian. His life, as he knew it, as he dreamed of it being, cease to exist.

I have been reading this book, Experiencing Father's Embrace by Jack Frost.

If you want a book that will change your life, it's this one. It takes about the Father's love, what often keeps us from receiving that love and how we can position our hearts in a way to receive the Father's love. Chapter 5 is about the Older Brother Syndrome from the story of the Prodigal Father. The older brother was the one who was hurt and resentful because his younger, rebellious brother received his father's joyous welcoming, including the fattest cafe available. This chapter talks about how easy it is to fall into a spirit of legalism, of religious-ness and how when we do, we become like the older brother. We in turn sign against love because when we are too concerned pride, jealousy and self-righteousness and instead of seeing the hurt and the lost the way that God sees them, we see them with judgement, criticism and pride. We see how we can be better than someone because we need to be the best that we can to be able to receive God's love. That's a lie. We are given God's for no reason, simply because he loves us. But so often we fall into this self-righteous, prideful, envious attitude where we believe that we have to do certain things, be them spiritual or ministerial acts or financial success and accolades to have God's approval, love and blessing.

"The older brother syndrome creates its own cycle that takes the sincere but gullible participant down a subtle path of self-destruction that, if left unchecked, ultimately leads to a cold heart void of love, tenderness, or compassion. The key to breaking the cycle is to recognize the symptoms early enough to thwart its development. The sins of the older brother can cause severe damage in the Church if allowed to continue, because the sins against love and compassion are the most harmful to needy people seeking forgiveness and healing. It is a great tragedy when wayward younger brothers and sisters who are on the verge of repentance and restoration to the Father are shut out by self-righteousness of those who profess the name of Christ.

As soon as the older brother or good son drifts away from the father's house because of a negative attitude of self-love, jealousy, or judgmentalism, an emotional and spiritual distance is immediately created between him and his Father. any distance from God's love will gradually gravitate to law and legalism, and it will lead to feelings of insecurity because it is the unconditional acceptance of the Father that gives our true value and self-worth."

"Deeply intimate relationships with other people are possibly only between individuals who are secure in God's love, because the foundation of such relationships is love, trust, and commitment. As soon as distance from God's unconditional love and insecurity begins to occur, intimacy with others become very difficult because we treat others in the way we feel about ourselves. Whatever we feel that we have to do to feel valued by God, then others will have to do the same to feel valued by us."

"The real problem comes when we believe that to truly be accepted, or important in life, we must be the one to earn it. If we aren't able to achieve what we believe we must, we may begin to judge ourselves...And finally, because of the guilt that we feel for coming up short, we put on a cloak of defensiveness and judgementalism, and the need to be right becomes more important than fostering healthy relationships."

"The love of God is a gift; it is free and undeserved. There is nothing you can do to be loved by Him any more than you already are. And there is nothing you can do to lessen His love. God's love is unconditional, but if it is not experienced on a level that brings healing to the childhood hurt and anger at not feeling unconditionally love, a resentment and critical attitude is often the result. when that childhood frustration encounters the laws and rules of religion, an environment is created in which the older brother syndrome may flourish."

New foot, new me!

This is my bunion this summer, right when I got back from traveling through Hawaii, then to DC and NYC, back to LA and then hopping over to SF. After a month of traveling it really began to ache and I dreaded the thought that maybe all of the walking in boots (because they weighed too much to fit into my suitcase and at one point got thrown in a trash can) lugging my suitcase around cities had begun to take a tool on my poor footsy! So I decided, being the dutiful photographer that I am, I should take a picture and document what size it was so that I could tell if it was growing.

I'm sure it grew larger than this before I decide to get surgery, considering my September x-rays from one doctor were defunct to my January x-rays from another doctor. Pretty disgusting, yes?

So I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm in pain all the time. I'm restless. I'm useless. It's pretty annoying 2 1/2 weeks into it. But I know there is a plan and a purpose for this time--I'm just trying to figure out what that is.

I did come to the realization tonight that I just got a new foot. I've been trying to find a way to solidify and mark this new me--the one who has purpose and passion--and I just realized not only am I a new me, but I got a new foot to show for it (and soon, a tattoo). I got a new foot to take me to new heights and on a new journey, a new adventure--one I never really expected, one I never really believed I could have until now.

So here's to marking the end of a chapter. A redemption chapter. A story filled with character and triumph and heart break and loneliness and perseverance and grace and truth and spirit and victory!

Skipping DVD

My bunion obliteration surgery has given me a 6-week pause of life. On the one hand, it's completely frustrating and hard and persevering. It's struggle and strife all wrapped into a soft cast, a painful post foot operation feeling and buried between feeling like someone sliced open my foot and is trying to break the bones in half. I think once the pain is gone I'll be able to focus more on the pause of life part that it brings and less on the agony, the horrible, terrible agony that i feel every day, more so as I try to put weight on it and walk around the house (with my crutches). Oh, I'll probably consider it more of a pause of life when I can leave the house and see the beautiful California sun (which will be gone when I can get out). I also can't take a shower without my mother's help. I can't wash dishes, cook food, get a drink of the refrigerator, can't put a movie in the DVD player unless I carry it between my teeth.

What I thought was a break from life turned out to be more humbling than I anticipated...I knew it would be humbling, but the last time my parents served me was in middle school when I was mugged. Ever since then, even before then, as the oldest, I don't really remember a time when I wasn't helping out around the house, even sometimes putting the spaghetti sauce away for the babysitter that forgot.

Not being able to exercise is harder than I thought as well. Not just because I mentally or emotionally need it but because my body is so tense and so sore and so knotted up from bed rest that all i want to do is go for a run and run it out. Plus, I minus the natural things that exercise did for my body. Having been so active ever since I was born and never really taking a break from it, my system is going crazy (those are probably details I should leave out in a public blog).

Not being able to drive is a pain too. My parents are mostly annoyed that their errand-running-youngest-daughter's-chauffuer is out of commission and that they are back to doing everything. Which I guess is understandable if you've had extra drivers to help you do things for the last 8 years and now all of a sudden, you have none.

I'm trying to figure out how it's a break from life when it seems to just be a struggle. Where is the pause? I feel like a broken record, a skipping DVD that just can't seem to find where it should start again.

All I feel is pain

As I sit here, it's 3:06 a.m. I am waiting until 3:20 a.m. so that i can take painkillers and go back to sleep. Thursday was bunion obliteration day. Now, all I feel is intense, achy pain. It doesn't shoot all the time. Sometimes it's constantly shooting, where as if I haven't taken painkillers, it starts to shoot, I start to get tears in my eyes because it's so completely unbearable. 

A part of me does not understand why I did this. Why I went from perfectly good shape and healthy condition to perfectly shitty shape and lame condition? This illustration demonstrates perfectly what my foot looked liked and what it should have looked like. Truth is, once healed correctly and completely, I will be in better physical shape than before. Translation: I might be able to run triathlons without worrying about unnecessary foot pain or hike large mountains without having to be hindered physically. Did I even notice how much it hindered me until recently? 

I think I got fairly use to the pain and use to the problem that I was able to ignore it. After I went to the doctor, I started to acknowledge every time it hurt--And it hurt A LOT. Every time i was at the gym and it was painful for me to run or when it hurts to jump. I started to realize that it does hurt a lot and it does hinder me from my athletic potential. 

But now all i feel is the pain as i try to remember all the promises. It hurts so bad sometimes I want to cry. And I can't do anything, which might be even more painfully humbling than the pain itself. Having to ask for help to do even the smallest task like making breakfast to getting tucked into bed to watching TV to taking a bath. 

If God was tired of me asking for forgiveness for my pride, He chose the right thing for me to be humbled in. That's for sure. And if he wanted me to learn to cry out to him, to depend on others--to solidify all the lessons I've been learning this past year, well He chose the right thing for me. That's for sure.

Tomorrow!

My surgery is tomorrow morning at 7:30!

The Calling Voice

Just added six new stories to Crissa's Website The Calling Voice. Please check it out if you have a few minutes. Her photos are amazing and her stories are incredible, and I'm not saying that just because I'm bias...they really are!

Thankful

I'm incredibly thankful for all the people God has placed in my life. This week of surgery prep has just once again made it incredibly obvious how many people care and love me and I am so grateful to God! I know that I complain a lot over why I'm still in LA and I lament a lot and I'm pissed off and frustrated and disappointed a lot but it's times like this--when I remember what I was like before and who I was before the last year and a half--and I am so grateful for this time of growth and time of grace and time of love. And I have the bestest friend ever for sticking it through with me--it's more than I could ever have asked for from anyone, even God. Seriously, true friends are made through life--through the good times AND the bad, through pain and tears and frustrations and hurts--And I'm so thankful for the bond and the love that God placed between us to keep us together.

I had the amazing opportunity to shoot family photos of April and Donvanan and their 8-month-old son Journey. They are part of my Foursquare family and I miss them all so much!

Here's a little sneak. See the rest on my photo blog.

Bunion Surgery...Eeeck!

For those of you who I haven't talked in a while, I hope this finds you well. Yesterday, I decided to go ahead with bunion surgery on my left foot. The surgery will take place at 9:30 am on Thursday, February 11. Please, please, please be contending for me during this time. I would very much appreciate it! 

Essentially, Dr. Thomas Harris will be cutting the big toe bone partially in half and inserting a tiny metal plate into the gap to realign my big toe bone. He then will shave down the the protruding bone around my toe. I will be lightly sedated and my foot will be completely numb and the nerves blocked for 12-16 hours. My foot will be in a split and I will be on 48-hour bed rest, only allowed to get up to do the "necessities" and heavily medicated because the procedure is quite painful. Then, for the next 6 weeks, I will be on crutches and on very minimal activity as the incision heals and at the very end of that period able to swim. Afterwards, I will have to under go little physical therapy and should be able to walk/run/hike 12 weeks after the surgery. 

This was a very difficult decision because I have never been inactive for more than week or so ever since I was born. The thought of taking it easy is a new and challenging one for me, that's for sure! 

Please pray: 

1. For a complication-free surgery and for God to guide the eyes and hands of Dr. Harris. 

2. For a complete and fast complication-free, infection-free recovery and healing (that I'm not too clumsy or spastic!). 

3. For deep, intimate and new times with Father God, increasing, strengthening and deepening my relationship with him. A renewed sense of trust, hope and faith in the Lord.

4. For patience and rest, mental and emotional health as I rest and relax for 3 months. 

5. God will bless this increased time with family and friends and that I will return to better physical health then before. 

New lens

I bought a new portrait lens. It was incredible expensive but it's suppose to be amazing. I took a few test shots last night with it before realizing I don't have a filter to protect the lens and putting away and they were amazing!

It was a hard decision because while I've been shooting a lot and have been asked to shoot a lot, I've also been trying to save money to leave California and this definitely put a damper into that. But I have been doing a ton of portrait shots and I needed a more professional camera for it with a better F stop (this one has  f1.8!) so I know it was totally worth it but it's hard, very hard.

It's hard to be content and be OK with the place that I'm at with life. I feel like I should be doing more or at least, if not, be more settled in life. It's hard to be in the crossroad for so long and not think that when I get out of here then I'll be happy. That's definitely not true. I am very happy. But it's easy to fall into a thought process of discontentment and dissatisfaction and lose peace. It's hard because I feel like I'm on the brink of something BIG but I need and want to stay in a place of the moment, a place of the present, a place of contentment and peace and not think that when I get to B then I'll be better than where I am in A. Make sense?

I have the best friends!

A few of my friends came and helped me reshoot the artwork for a project. They were incredibly generous with their time, amazing to work with and on top of it just really beautiful people. I am so thankful to have such great, wonderful friends!

Please check out some more shots at http://nicolechin.wordpress.com!

Happy birthday to me!

This post is dedicated to the number 24. I heard it's a good one. I've been in need of a good one. I won't lament or complain, but I can tell you 22 and 23 haven't been extremely happy years (though there have definitely been some really good moments and some really amazing lessons), to say the least. So I'm excited for 24. I say bring it God! Bring it! Here's to believe that 24 will be a good year and knowing it will be!

Highlights of 22:
-Graduated from college
-moved to florida
-got my ass whooped by God
-moved to westwood
-got my ass whooped by God. Again. It's true.

Highlights of 23:
-moved home
-started working at foursquare
-lost my job at foursquare
-went through counseling; learned the value of intimate and honest communication
-went through cleansing stream; had incredible healing and restoration
-decided to apply for grad school

The thing that keeps me going is the hope that I have in the Lord and the belief I have in his power and in his might and in his love for me. God wants to give me the desires of my heart. He wants what is best for me. He doesn't want me to be alone. He doesn't want me to be hopeless. He doesn't want me to be angry and hurt for the rest of my life. God wants me to succeed. He wants me to find love and joy in people and in life and in work. He wants me to travel and see the world. He wants me to be happy.

Psalm 37:4 reads, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

It's common misconstrued that being Christian means always suffering, always bearing the cross, always dying to Christ. When I think the truth is that when we are following God and we are completely and wholly serving and dedicated to him that his love and his will and his mercy and his heart become the desires of our hearts. In one way or another. It doesn't mean everyone will want to help the poor. And it doesn't mean that everyone will have to sell all of their possessions to give food to the hungry. It's different for everyone.

A relationship with Christ is difficult. It's hard. It sucks. It's wrecked my life on more than one occasion. I thought I was destined to be somebody, but then God got a hold of me. God said, "Sorry, that's not going to be you." And ever since then I've been on this road, this path of life lessons. And it's still hard and it still sucks and God still wrecks my life.

Why? Because he wants the best for me. Because he wants to grow me and shape me and mold me into the person he created me to be. It may sound trite. It may even sound empty but God is good. All the time. He wants what's best for us. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to be loved. He wants us to be happy.

Feeling the love!

God has been so good lately! So good! I can't believe how often--and how easy--it is to forget about his goodness and his love. Praise the Lord!

Highlights:
- Got rec letter back from ESPN, almost unchanged and still a very nice letter!
- Got an amazing rec letter from by former boss at NAIA
- Got a nice paying project from Nate to pay for some of the Christmas damage (I worry about finances right now because I can't work but it's things like this that remind me God's in control)
- Got paid an additional percentage off a project that took way too long. Yay!
- Ummmm my new battery is wonderful!
- Lots of photography stuff too!

I made some hard choices last month and it was really difficult to follow what I believe God was telling me and this, this just proves that when you step out in faith, you take a chance, you cry out to God, you surrender to him--you're going to receive tenfold of what you asked for! Be it in relationships, in money, in circumstances--God fulfills the desires of your heart, the needs of your soul. It's his promise to us.

Miracle on Huntington Blvd!

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. Hebrews 6: 10

The most amazing miracle happened to me yesterday. I work an awful lot on my laptop these days--or for the past year--so I've basically killed the battery and it just recently started shutting off without warning when it was empty. The battery was crap and I needed a new one so my parents said that they would give me one for Christmas.

Fast forward to December 17, 2009. I've seen a lot of miracles in my life, legs lengthened, cancer cured, disabilities fixed. They were mostly orchestrated by my mom, but still led by the holy spirit. I've never just had that moment where God showed up you know--because God was always brought by my mother. So when I went to Starbucks yesterday I didn't think my world would be rocked. To be honest, I always thought miracles, the impossible, good things, etc. you know were always something for people other than me. How could God love me so much that he gives me the desires of my heart?

But in recent months, I've began to see that change. I've begun to realize that God really does love me. He has saved me from many accidents this year, many trials, many tribulations, many tragedies. This year I've already been astonished by how great his love is, how wonderful, how infinite, how unsurpassable it is. I've seen God's goodness this year more than I ever thought I could. But then, then there's this.

So there I am sitting at Starbucks about to start my day's work when I hear a "Excuse me miss." Normally I would have ignored it. I would have turned away and not talked to anyone--I use to be, well let's just say a tad bit snotty. But now days, I like to talk to people. I like to smile at them. Say hello. Say thank you. So I turned to him and I said hi. He looked at my computer and said, "Is that a macbook pro you have? A 15-inch? The old model?" I looked at him with his new macbook pro model and said, "Yes."

"I have a brand new extra battery, would you like it? I spilled a bunch of wine on my old one, right after I bought a new battery."

"Uh, yes, sure. What do you want for it?" I ask.

"Nothing, don't worry about it. I carry it around, looking for someone to give it to. You can have it. It's worth $130. Let me go get it from my car."

"Ummm...ok."

And he comes back with a 15-inch macbook pro rechargable battery and it still has the ID tag on it. I ask him if he's sure he doesn't want it anything for it. He says yes. I ask him if he will let me buy him a cup of coffee. He says, "No thanks, I already have a cup."

We talk for a bit and he leaves and I'm left at Starbucks, sitting there, with a brand new $130 rechargeable battery. Ummmm...GOD?

Oh how God shows up. When you need it the most. When you're five minutes from deciding that's there no reason to being a Christian. That God can't possible understand or determine what you need when you're constantly in this state of nothing. That's where I was until Thursday, December 18, 2009. Five minutes from giving up. Five minutes from saying it wasn't worth it anymore. The chaos, the conflict, the confusion---not worth pressing through, not worth persevering when there's no end in sight and no confirmation or affirmation of any promises to be fulfilled. That's where I was at--until this miracle. Until experiencing God's love and God's grace and God's redemption and God's faithfulness firsthand.

Julie & Julia

I saw Julie & Julia in theaters this summer with my grandmother. I felt like I could relate a little too well with depressed and displeased 30-year-old Julie Powell.

Haven't you ever just felt like your life was meant to be more than it was? Haven't you ever felt like there was something bigger out there for you? Haven't you ever felt like there was more to life than this? As we enter this holiday season, I find myself more and more frustrated with life. More and more upset with the way things are. I am very fortunate. Very blessed. I live a very good life. So should I even be wanting more? Is it okay for me to want more?

I'm tired of working at what feels like nothing. I'm tired of living at home and feeling 18 all the time. I'm tired of being in California. I'm tired of being angry and frustrated. I'm tired of just feeling like I'm sitting on the sidelines while other people get to play bigger roles. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm over so much of this.

How do you find the strength to pull through? How do you persevere? How do you keep going when it seems so much easier to settle into the mediocre life with the mediocre person doing mediocre thing? How do you keep from settling? How do you survive when you've been swimming way too long?

God helps, it's true. But you still get frustrated. You still get pissed off. You still get tired. I've been trying really hard to just focus and seek God's will in all of this, for comfort and solace, but it's getting harder and harder every week, the longer I'm here. The long I'm here, the more I think that it will be so much easier if I just get a desk job, I start looking for Mr. Right, and I get married, start popping out kids, become a coaches wife and bake snacks all day long and go to PTA meetings every week and make sack lunches in ugly brown paper bags.

Is that the easier life?

I want more. I can feel it. I can taste it. But it's not here...

Snippet from "Boxed in by love languages" on Relevantmagazine.com

When Jesus spoke of love, whether for your neighbor, spouse, or enemy, He pictured a holistic love, one that doesn’t ask for anything in return. He taught, with his words and actions, that there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life. He did this physically, to the point of death. And yet, we have such difficulty with simply setting aside our wants, intentions, insecurities, and agendas. Even marriage is supposed to be an imitation of the way Christ fully loves the church, his “bride.” So why does our version of love seem so finicky and particular, keeping record of rights and wrongs? As theologian and philosopher Rufus Jones said, “Men wrongly divide love into two types, “human love” and “divine love”, but in reality there is only love.”

Consider 1 Corinthians 13 (MSG): “Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always "me first”, Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.”

True fulfillment, outside of our own fickle “needs”, beyond the shortcomings of society’s depiction of “love”, is only found within the grace and compassion of Christ. We won’t always “click” with everyone or be able to easily organize them under a checklist with headings and bullet points. We won’t always feel fully valued or appreciated by them either… life is far too messy and organic for that. But in these times, remember that “love is patient, love is kind.” Look to a God who loves unconditionally, and assess how you can do the same with those around you.

Read the rest of the article here.

Good tidings of comfort and joy

Yesterday was a good day.

I got to hang out with sweet, beautiful girls and enjoy sweet, beautiful friendship. I am blessed beyond what I ever expected by so many wonderful, amazing friends.

When I was a kid, I never really thought I'd be where I am today. How sad is that? I felt horribly disliked, unfortunately outcasted, and very very uncool and unpopular and unlovable. I write this because I want you to know there is freedom and there is hope from feelings like that. I'm living proof. I use to think that I would never have any meaningful friends. I would watch TV shows like Dawson's Creek, Saved by the Bell and The OC and think the shows were a bunch of crap because, well, no one really loves each other like they do on TV? Most people end up hating you for one reason or another. You can trust anyone. You can't fully love anyone. You've got to always protect yourself. You are the only one who can protect your heart, your soul--you gotta keep it away from everyone.

Lies! So many lies! God is our protector, our savior, our best friend, our lover, our father! It wasn't until I developed this amazing relationship with our father that I got to experience his relentless love for me and how he gives us that relentless, unyielding love through other people in our lives. I use to think that I had to be insecure,  I had to be a wall, I had to keep to myself because that was the only way that I would stay safe, that I would keep from hurting, that I could shield myself from the pain.

But the truth is this: if we are shielding ourselves from the pain, if we are living a life full of fear and insecurity than we are not fully embracing Jesus Christ. I'm not saying that I've solved the equation, that now I have it all together or even that this relationship with Christ erases 22 years of pain and hurt and loneliness instantly. All I'm saying is that there is a freedom in Christ. There is love in Christ. There is community in Christ. There is so much on the other side when we surrender to him, give our hearts completely to him, trust in him to protect us and keep us safe and hope in him.

There is so much more on the other side--just waiting for us.

Things I never thought were possibly--things that I never thought I could feel. Happiness. Joy. Security. Strength. Confidence. Being wanted. Being needed. Being loved.

If someone had asked me a year ago how I thought I would feel a year from now; freedom would be the last thing I had thought. How did I feel a year ago? Tired. Exhausted. Empty. Frustrated. Insecure. Fearful. Angry. Low self-worth. Low self-esteem. Did I think that freedom was possible? Did I know this freedom was possible? No. But it is--and it is more than worth it.

Fake vs. Real

You ever been fake to someone?

Oh, come on, if you're reading this and we met in LA, Pasadena or Azusa--most likely you've been fake. I've been fake. I'm ashamed to admit, but you should just admit it too. I'm the last person that can judge.

I often do things because I feel obligated. Or I feel sorry for the person. I have this terrible savior-complex, think of Ryan in the OC, trying to save Marissa everytime she got in trouble. It's tragic flaw (Well, I have a lot of those, I'll admit that too.) Or I can't say "no." Or I hate letting people down (we've covered that one already). Or I want to be perfect--the perfect friend to be exact. I don't like failure. I don't like losing. I don't like being second best. It's many different tragic reasons. Whatever it is, hypocritically for the last 22 years that's what I've been--fake.

I use to hate fake people. I judged them. I despised them. I gossiped about them. I slammed them (I'm really not making myself look good on this post...). I was clever and conniving. I was bitter and resentful. I was hurt and angry. I was afraid and insecure. There's a million reasons why I use to do it.

I didn't trust people. I didn't trust God. So therefore I didn't really love people. I didn't really love God. And I didn't really let others love me. So therefore I didn't really let God love me.

I just realized I was what I hated. I became my own worse enemy at some point. I became the person who hurt me the most. I became the betrayer, the back stabber, the faker, the false friend--how did it happen? How did I become what I swore never to be?

You ever been faked to? I have. It sucks. And it sucks even more when you realize you were faked to. Been there, done that. And I'm learning now how to change that. How to stand up for myself. How to have security in who I am and who I know God has made me to be. Have security and strength and support in who I am--really, deeply--am and not be afraid to stand up for me. For what I want to do. For what I need to do. For what my life is suppose to be and how it needs to be lived and how I keep pursing God and pursing his plans.

And by faking it. By not being bold enough, strong enough, courageous enough to stand up for myself. I'm not standing up for God. I'm not standing up for his love, his plan, his will. When I fake it, I'm just pretend cause I'm afraid so I'm not trusting God. I fake it because I don't want to hurt people or I don't want to mess things up or I just want things to be perfect. None of that is actively seeking God's will, actively seeking God's plan and having faith and trusting him.

God didn't promise this life to be easy. He didn't promise this life to always be fun. But he said, by pressing on toward the goal God has called me to, I will continue to pursue him and pursue his plan. I won't always get things right, but taking the risk is a hell of a lot better than playing it safe on the sidelines and faking that everything's okay.

Personal Essays Suck

I wish I could pay someone to write this for me.

Any takers?

****

One website says: "Writing your personal statement can be one of the most satisfying--or frustrating--writing experiences you'll ever have."


I would definitely go with the MOST FRUSTRATING experience I've ever had.

Stressed

Not entirely sure how I'm going to get everything done...

I still have this to do:

1.) Epicentre Logo

2.) Dr. Chin Website

3.) Portfolio website

4.) Learn after effects

5.) create two motion videos

6.) write personal statement

7.) get rec letters

8.) get transcripts

9.) fill out applications

10.) assemble portfolio discs

11.) paints canvases for RISD

TOO MUCH TO DO.